Family days

Since coming home from Canada my main focus has been Ceyda, i know the trip unsettled her, it hurt to see her  struggle with the routine changes and different environment. When we left Turkey we took only one peice of handluggage as our flight changes were so tight I made a point of buying her a unicorn cuddly horse in london as he companion.(her choice i love that when given the option she finds the smallest shabbiest thing and wants it, i swear that horse had been there for a century ) Poor bee she started having accidents again and played up alot more than usual ..at times i felt like we were in that episosde of those nanny shows where  they say " all you do is tell her off... so all she knows to get attention is to be naughty" I noticed the biggest change when my sister left a few days earleir than us she constantly asked about her... and missed her.I underestimated how much time my lovely younger sis gives her...and gave her there.

Ceyda is a very very self assured little girl, brave boisterous and full of energy and love yet she can sit and do jigsaw puzzles for am entire afternoon and is sensitive to the feelings of others just like me, (maybe hyper unusally so) she can be so profoundly kind to people quite out of the blue.. she will pick the shy child in a crowd and take thier hand...i love these pure qualities of  love and inclusion ,seeing the comfort and joy  and even assurance she brings people at such a young age. 

Well we have baked... crafted, walked,washed the dog alot as she loves this... gardened, painted... i am detemined that she be settled when we got to Scotland sunday for a month. 

eveing walks

special treat !! 

Doors...

I have a cycle that i follow when i feel as though i am struggling.. i close my doors.  I send brief emails to friends but wont call them or answer any calls... I have done this with miscarriages ,ended friendships family fights intense disappointments i have had friends point our this apparent flaw ( i am not sure it is i think it is merely my way or coping and processing or maybe not ? ) Apart from one phonecall to a person that i know would only ask the right questions i didnt meet with or talk to any other people than my daughter husband and family  (at the time in Canada) for more 10 days on the 11th i met with lovely friends but for the first time i cannot break the cycle as the struggle is ongoing... I find myself talking though as i am not really there...i am covering over alot and feel the surges or emotions building like a collosal tide.What am i so afraid of ? being vunerable ? I love to take care of others so why why do i literally not allow others to do it for me. I told a friend on the phone on Friday sorry for the lack of contact as i was a mess before her answer was simply isnt that when you are supposed to call hun ? 

I am gently pushing the door open....i have this feeling that when the tide hits whether it be tomorrow or 2 years from now i cannot do this alone.

Joy Pockets

I feel as though Joy Pockets are truelly needed. To join in visit the link at the bottom, thankyou Monica.

*cuddly daughter

* true love

*sisters

* skinny frappaccinos

*cool water 

*silence 

*sleep

*moments of sorrow and joy 

*tears

 * Sunshine = Sunsets

* Great friends

The Wise

The Wise Mag

www.wisemag.com

home home home

I have been back now for over a week, my dad had another episode before i left but arrived safely by air ambulance to Scotland on Monday at the moment we are waiting for new consults and hopefully information but for now he is stable and looking good.I have my passport ready but for now will stay here until my officially booked flights on the 17th, everything has taken its toll on Ceyda and i.

The last few weeks left me with a lingering exhaustion unlike anything i had ever had..breathing actually hurts. It was really lovely to spend time as a family albeit in extreme circumstances...I also had the chance to reconnect with a dear friend that i hadnt expected to see for a while. 

The morning after i had arrived and been to see my dad (at that time he was on life support) i woke at 3.30am with Ceyda, there was an electric storm, We sat on my sisters porch watching the storm and my older sister joined us when she woke. I took these picture just as the storm was ending and the sun was coming up.

My Lovely Sister and Ceyda 

My lovely sister saved my dads life, i had the opportunity to witness some of the panic from an episode though nothing in comparison ,when my dad had his second episode.. my sister is amazing calm totally alert the kind of person you really want to fight for your life,which is what she did for my dad, i know this took a much greater toll on her than she admits, i love that i can be so open with her that she is fearless to discuss life..she is one of the few people that i know that doesnt make excuses for her emotions whether irrational or rational she owns them. I know it must hurt her that so many friends keep emaling the family saying that my father (Allan) should never have gone no that trip for Max her sons birthday, i want to shout back at them do you think this wouldnt have happened there ? he was funtioning on 1/3rd of his heart..in Toronto my sister (and hubbie ) saved his life... does anything else matter.

Life death and the Inbetween

I am in Toronto Canada and have been since the 6th of June, on the evening of the launch of our website my father suffered a massive heart attack.He was in Toronto visiting my older sister for her sons 1st birthday, my sister and her husband saved his life by giving him CPR. In the ambulance his heart stopped for 20 mins , in all that Day he was brought back 3 times.
When I arrived he was on life support the room felt empty to me if it werent for the sound of the machines, my father didn't die infact he has made by all the doctors accounts a miraculous recovery,although he hasn't completely come back to us..I guess details aren't required as we are just so happy that he is here.Today I talked with him and I asked him what he wanted to do from here on in.He said he wanted to live for now..the love I have felt for my father over the past few weeks perhaps surpasses anything that has existed between us in a long time perhaps since i was a child. Stripped down to our most vunerble states our humanity and very being, the delicacy of life and the inevitable end of it seem clear as glass.
I need this blog right now to be heard I am surrounded by people I love but cannot hear my voice.
Love and light xx

Living in Turkey.net

So on Sunday the site will launch yay 

Today i realised i am exhausted..i have a migrane looming and itchy eyes..( as strange stress thing i get when i am not sleeping enough) i am so excited and nervous. 

 Stop by on Sunday if you have a few minutes i would love to have some feedback...

LivinginTurkey

What i really want to do is write about the journey that brought me to this point... the friendship that blossomed after a series of unexpected events.. i want to talk about how sometimes when we choose do things selflessly, happy and comfortable in the knowledge that there is no reward.. much greater more beautiful things develop and i wanted to share something else.

2 nights ago i had a dream i walking through the corridors of a building, a beautiful building full of glass and light..and old stone.. i stopped and greeted many people all of whom i knew.(but i had never seen).we shook hands, held faces..shared smiles.. in my dream i saw 2 friends one dear and very close ( both in friendship and proximity to each other although lately meeting up has been hard...), the other i had not seen in sometime yet  is equally dear. In the dream i saw them at seperate moments.. we hugged each other so deeply and tightly that i felt it was not a dream....