Strange day

Today has been a strange strange day. My sisters and i used to describe the feeling we would sometimes have as impending doom. I have no idea what precipitates these feelings perhaps something i have read in a newspaper, ? ? that then effects my subconscious..a movie..lack of sleep who knows. For all accounts today was a beautiful sunny day, yet i woke feeling a dark heaviness over me. I slept very badly waking at 5am to the sound of Ceyda telling me there was a monster in her room (actually the monster was our house guest Ercan and his rather intense snoring...: ): ): ) a friend of Korays who has been staying with us the past couple of weeks) 

So maybe it was tiredness or the strange dream that i woke from..who knows but today was just not fun. On days like this i literally fight myself internally and it is exhausting, i feel irrationally angry, sensitive , hiper aware and then as though a bubble has burst (early evening) the feeling is gone. ( no its not PMS..thats a whole other kettle of fish !!) 

Highlights of my day

* Yummy Ikea breakfast 

* went on a long walk with Ceyda and had a lovely time counting cats and there are alot of cats in Buca, as well as cursing at lots of other things..irrational anger : ( 

* painted with bee...danced with bee... did 3 loads of washing ( yes the sun is out ) with bee

*pretended to clean the house...meaning i have to do it all again tomorrow : ) : )

*watched my husband spend half the day making a cat shelter for the homeless kittens that now live in our office garden. hmmm

* Bee was sound asleep by 7.30 : ) = 45mins of Pilates for me followed by Pizza : ( sorry but its Sunday

next on the agenda...( boys out watching football : ) 

*Long hot bath..couple of chapters of a good book and last weeks episode of Greys Anatomy

NIGHT NIGHT : )

Fever Fever...

So going back to the comment made at the start of my Halloween post Ceyda was sooo tired after the Halloweeen Party. She had told me a couple of times that her mouth was sore...fast forward to early evening. By 7pm she had a fever that even with a cool bath kept rising. There is nothing more scary than this : (, yet i believe that the body has fevers for a reason, that the body is doing the job its supposed to...anyways we went to the new Childrens hospital here where she was seen in 5 mins, at that stage fever was 38.8. They were great with her and me (the overquestioning foreigner) and she was sent home 2 hrs later (we had to wait there until her fever was stable) with anti biotics for a nasty ear infection that would need antibiotics. ( another thing that confuses as there is so much about over use of anti biotics these days and this would be the first time Ceyda used them)

45 mins later at home Ceyda became very very restless crying constantly, her fever was 39.4 after a cool bath and she started throwing up...We arrived back at the ER when i think every parent in Buca takes thier child to hospital. The numbers of people stressed me the constant screams of children... i just felt so completely out of control. They again saw her immediately and the same doctor who had seen her earlier left the patient that she was looking at (boy who had a cold i guess..nothing serious) and called for the nurse from previously to come and join her.

She checked Ceyda and also did the men c body check for stiff neck etc...her temp by then was 40 + degrees the doctor said she had to give her novalign to help bring her body temp down as she was now at risk of convulsions...Koray had to go park the car and buy more injections for her. I found a quiet corner for myself as far away from the commotion as i could and sat with my naked baby sleeping fitfully in my arms and just sobbed i suddenly wanted to be somewhere where i could understand everything...where my sister could come, where i wouldnt feel so completely alone. Koray is not good with hospitals i guess he spent so much time in then as child while his mother  was ill (she died from Cancer when he was 13). I know this very well, his body tenses he sweats...he looks so panicked even before we go through the doors. I understand this and give him space for this..he always tells after any hospital situation that he is so sorry he couldnt help more but the truth is that he is brilliant. We talked a long time about this after we had brought Ceyda home. The truth is that this is a block he has created cos he thinks its will make it easier in reality it only makes it worse but only for him. 

My sister called while i waited for Koray and calmed me... 2 hrs later the hospital was almost empty and when Ceydas temp was much lower we were told we could go home.. i wrote a list of questions for the doctor and nurse which suprisingly (in my experience in the UK this is usually met with irriatation) they really liked and we headed home. I stayed up all night and checked her every 20mins... her temp would fall hugely --35 due to the novalgen and then spike again  up to 38+ ...staying awake was easy.. Infact when koray came to take over in the morning i couldnt sleep. 

Last night she slept well and i (beside her) napped as well as i could : ) she already seems so much better. Still a low grade fever but otherwise back to her chatterbox self ,Infact she has spent most of today trying to nurse me : ) mummy me nurse you...too cute : ) : ) : ) 

Anti biotics*** this is the one thing i found so hard along with the use of novalgen. Having the time to read about this when i stayed up all night helped me to realise that in this case she needs them, severe ear and throat infections can lead to nasty complications and will actually help her body become stronger in the long run. The whole experience gave me a whole lot of respect for Doctors...Turkish especially as this is where i live and it made me realise family is never that far away a phone call is just ask good as the real thing. 

My baby is a brave bee and even thanked the doctors as she left the ER late last night. : ) : ) 

Well i am just making some chichen soup ( who ever wrote the book ) it  really is good for the soul and will snuggle down for a nap with Ceyda soon. So to healthier days, good Doctors, dear sisters and fantastic husbands.Thankyou. 

Happy Halloween

Yesterday day Ceyda i had a Halloween Party for the playgroup. Ceyda has so much fun and was exhausted afterwards ( more on that later..)
I really enjoy creating these events for the mothers to gather.. the actual organisation is so much fun and something i have always enjoyed...i have also learnt so much about giving up control and instead of trying to to everything i asked mothers to help with the food. Its funny as during the actual event i find it very hard to relax and socialise, i am sure this is purely cos when i did these kinds of events in London years ago on a much grander scale i had to be so focused on the details. Of couse this was no grand event just a mum having a party with home made decorations, friends, lovely food and very cute kids !! but still this is my life and its alot more fun ( and easier)  catering for toddlers than Divas : )

my little Tinkerbell

Emma Ceydas lovely friend

Babas Mimi

Weekend in Bodrum

Review of yesterday and a better day

When i reread my blog post from yesterday i really see that it was for me.. It was so catharic to tie down the day in print and to be able to reread it and see myself from different viewpoint. The truth was yesterday i felt  like i was failing as a mother and i have never reached that point before, i felt helpless and completely unable to reason with this little soul who is without a doubt one of the loves of my life.What did i learn ? that its ok...

The poem that i read at my daughters blessing reminded me of so much. 

( this evening while looking at different blogs this poem came up 3 times..)

                        The Phrophet Kahil Gibran

'Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.'

I also found this site this evening and i loved the name, the site has short stories for the soul.
http://zenbananas.com/category/classic-zen/

So much fun maybe too much !!

Yesterday we had our long awaited playdate with friends at the Saysen Playhouse. It was just magical to see Ceyda having so much fun. I felt really relaxed and it was clearly the first tentative step towards her and i spending time apart. 

She was so excited though that she found bedtime really hard...we did our usual bath and stories with milk in mummys bed then teeth brushing before bed. Everything went perfectly as always until bed, when to leave the room Ceyda shot out of her bed " Mummy dans Ela, dans Emma dans..Emma play, Emma jump" Following the advice from books i have i picked her up popped her back into bed and said "its bedtime Ceyda Goodnight" this was repeated for the next 40 mins..50mins... 1hr. By 9.30pm i was about to give up when bam she was out like a light. Or so i thought when i heard her calling me at 4am. So i go to her room to tell her its still dark and not morning yet (this usually works) and before i can even speak she is all "morning mummy" today see Ela ? Emma ? Ata ? Oh No...a short discussion later she and i are asleep in her mini Ikea bed and man do i have a sore neck today ! 
Toddlers are hilarious they really are but tired toddlers and tired mums don't make for the best team. As a result today was well the toughest day ever for me in toddler parenting. I had this lovely day planned..walk to the park... coffee and snacks outside at our favourite cafe, walk home for crafts (halloween) and painting..then wash the dog and garden together ...( add put away washing, tidy house..make"nice" dinner as we have a guest). Heres how the day actually went. Ceyda refused to put her shoes on so no walk to the park...destroyed all the crafts..didnt want to paint or play with playdough or do anything..even quiet time reading books was unacceptable for her. Whilst cleaning she garden , 3 flower pots were upturned.. the dogs tail was pulled ( this is not allowed as although our lovely 9 year old pointer is good with her we all have our limits) so no dog washing. 

We use "time out" and "quiet corner" . I use "quiet corner" for her as sometimes she gets so overexcited she can either hurt herself or others. It like a nice time out where i tell her to breathe   (she knows this from the yoga we do together) 
The day ended in a showdown about putting toys away and then while sitting in a huff in the lounge after a time out for throwing something at the TV ( seriously i wish i could take a photo of the pouty huffy face), she comes to me in the kitchen open and says " so sorry mummy me paint now" so we painted played with playdough and made the dinner together. What a day. Phew.
This day actually gave me a gift cos i was due to be starting an online language course in a few weeks but there was a problem with the payment.. this means that i wont be taking the course until next year. The message from the universe to me is " your bee needs you all of your attention for a little bit longer". ( next year she will start kindergarten 2 days a week). the path to our selective freedom needs to be slower and i am ok with that. Breathe. 

The balance

I have this feeling that sometimes everything must have Balance. Positive Negative Ying and Yang...I like this as i am a positive person and tend to roll with the lows and highs generally, I also think that the negatives make me appreciate the positives. My week started very slowly.. On Monday Ceyda and i visited the horse stables near us and a nearby park..the trip was soured by the fact that i was ignored by all the mothers there that i was close in age too. ( I live in a foreign country but still..these kind of things makes me feel vunerable and quite angry ) instead i was welcomed kindly by the grandmothers watching thier grand babies. Balance. 

On Tuesday we had a playdate planned.. the playdate was ubruptly cancelled after Ceyda threw up all over me on the bus on the way there. One minute we were counting cars ( great fun when you are on a road : ) ) the next...poor bee and really a huge thankyou to the only person on the bus who helped us. I can remember her face and mouthed her a thankyou ( not that useful as she was Turkish) but i will have to leave it to Karma to repay her for me. Balance. 
By the way approx 2 hours after taking a taxi straight home Ceyda was cuddled up on the couch sleeping and quite literally popped up from her covers and said "mummy better." . Talk about quick recovery. Balance.

Thursday we made it to that playdate and had a lovely time. 

Yesterday we met with the lovely Jan and Ela for what ended up a rather comical coffee and walk.. toddlers dancing in the street and two mothers desperate to a chat whilst mopping up water/ coffee /coffee beans... there was me putting socks and shoes on and Ceyda taking then off.. tears when the games had to stop and then.... the balance came.. it just washed over me in that moment...we had just  come from a kids playhouse called Saysen where we were able to organise a weekly playdate for us and other friends in our playgroup. A comfy sitting area for mums to drink and chat .. and seperate playrooms for our babies..with all sorts of fun exciting things to enterain them..i cant wait till Tuesday. This will be the first time i have left Ceyda since she was born with someone other than her daddy. Is it bad that i am excited ? 

Roll on another lovely balanced week. : )

Today something different....

About me 
* My Husband and daughter are my life and sometimes this scares me
* I love coffee 
* I love storms and rain (not when flying however : O) and the seasons
* I love books and have an annoying habit of reading more than one book at once
* At times i feel completely lost 
* I am  mindful mother
* I am not an extrovert even though sometimes it may seem that way
* I am loyal friend
* I live my life by the rules of KARMA
* I love to Cook, Bake and Garden but i am not particulaly good at any of them. ( I am the person who forgets to put the oven on !) 
* I can be fearless and brave 
* I am very sensitive to the emotions of others 
* I often feel lonely in a crowd
* I love to feel connected to people or things
* I internalise and question alot


Things you might be suprised so know (even if you know me well) 
* I am closet Country Music Fan...especially the classics....i have my own Stetson and Cowboy boots and took line dancing classes at University. Dolly  Parton, Patsy Kliene Tammy Wynette... i love you : ). Country Music just gets me dancing in the kitchen : ) 

Perfect Sunday

Today was a perfect day. I slept the best i have slept in months and...we all slept in until 9.30am. I was shocked as Ceyda is usually our morning alarm but i guess we all needed the extra hours. My sleep is always the first thing to be affected when i am under stress (self induced or not !) so heres hoping the sleepless nights are over or at least less.Our day started with a lazy morning, family breakfast at home followed by a walk in the hills of Kaynaklar an area close to our home. A good and beautiful family day.

.

Searching...

This year has been an incredibly tough year for me. The best way i can describe it is to say that most of the time i have felt like i was stuck in the wash spin cycle of my washing machine. ( sometimes i still do) Exhausting...exhilarating...yet there was no grand event in my life to precipitate these feelings. 
Or maybe there was ? On my 30th birthday i felt panicked...i had met with an old friend who voiced that she felt disappointed with who i had become add several other elements... an argument with a family member and the ground beneath me suddenly didn't feel so secure...all of the time and work i had spent healing and centering myself suddenly felt lost. Of course this wasn't the only reason my free fall began, i also allowed myself to be washed away with this. I am not talking about depression or intense sadness just a feeling that i was stuck in a fast moving crowd with everything moving at great speed around me. 
Lonely yet suffocated.  In hindsight my world was simply expanding dormant ideas and thoughts were growing. I was starting a new chapter of my me "ness" and to do that i need a good wash and tumble to shake some stuff out. You can tell by my writing style that i am non specific so i hope this at least makes some sense. There is one sense and feeling that never wavered during this time and that was me as a mother. I am happy that this bump in the road didnt have any bearing on my ability as a mother.                     I have always considered myself a spiritual person...at 17 i remember quite clearly telling our Catholic Priest at Boarding School that i would be the only person in my year not to be confirmed as i felt that there were too many unanswered questions for me. The result was 12 weeks of Bible classes that also failed to answer those questions (although i am sure at 17 my Taureen stubbornness may have also had a hand)         I consider my life a spiritual journey. The past few weeks a recurring thought has been bothering me about the ifs and whats  regarding the darkness of spirituality ? I believe in the balance of everything.
Then today the answer came to me in the form of a website i found. http://www.psychicbutsane.com here i found an article entitled The Dark Side of Spirtuality... to read the article see below http://www.psychicbutsane.com/annas-journey/my-past-experiences-with-fundamentalist-spiritual-teachers-healers
I feel like recently lots of things keep finding me.I want to thank the author Anna for talking about the Dark Side of the New Age Movement.I found the article really interesting.Gosh i am suddenly really tired and i want to be brave and post this before i delete it...to be continued...

Blog Worthy ?

I find it very hard hard to share things that are my deeper truth, i dont believe this makes me any less authentic.I have written and deleted too many posts and this journey is becoming stressful for me...As teenager  i had journals that i later destroyed, as a university student i had what i now call a doomsday diary. I only wrote in times of deep distress, this therapy of writing  gave me clarity of thought. The end result is the diary of what appears to belong to an eternally miserable person. This was not the case.I stopped writing in this way many years ago perhaps because a stillness had formed. I still have journals they are filled with random thoughts..quotes and ideas for my own self development.
I guess what i am saying is that i am not sure of my blogger identity my original message of wanting to share parts of myself with dear friends and open myself to the opportunity of new connections is too wide a field.
I guess time will tell.

Home from Home ?

Ceyda and i have returned from our Travels. We had a relaxing flight over to Edinburgh, curtesy of our BA Club Class upgrade.Thankyou BA. Ceyda curled up like a pussy cat and slept like a queen whilst i read magazines and drank coffee. I landed feeling like i had just been on a Spa break and ready for anything.
My sisters and i had a lovely time having coffees and just being in each others company. I adore my sisters and feel so lucky to have two such awesome women in my life.Love you Keira Bee and Lara Bee.( ok so we fight and drive each other crazy at times too...but dont all sisters ? )

Ceyda and i as always had a wonderful time together, she is such a star. Ceyda was our much wanted baby, after struggling to fall pregnant and several sad losses she truelly was our very own gift. As she grows and changes i am in complete awe of her, of our relationship and of the love that we share as a family. I hope to write more of how we spend our days. Here are some pictures from our trip.

Ceyda relaxing in Club Class with Ra Ra her Cat

Ceyda with her Aunties and cousin baby Max

House of Bruar

House of Bruar 

Scottish Rainbows

Owl at Camperdown park  Ceyda loves Owls 

Camperdown Park

Camperdown Park 

Ceyda singing : )

Fun with Auntie Keeks !!

My lovely Sisters

Family

I always love going home but also find it equally stressful. I am strangely not comfortable with myself when i am there. I am less centered and am prone to emotional outburts...my parents home is chaotic and loud yet full of love. This most recent trip made me very aware of this.
I returned with a slight cold and as i told a dear friend " wanting to hibernate in a hotel with books and great movies".