Is it possible to be reborn within one lifetime ?
Today it is my birthday, i had a simple quiet semi-relaxing day (Ceydas best friends birthday is also today )
so as relaxing as 4 hrs with 5 year old girls can be. A slice of my favorite cake and my favorite pizza. A Bike ride in the Mosque and watching racing pigeons dance in the sky... it was a good day.
What does it really mean to surrender ? To Trust ? I wanted this deep down i wanted to repay debts and deserve the life i have...my sister says the universe is giving me a helping kick to get us to Bodrum.
I am not even sure but Thursday evening as i sat looking at the Full Moon, this is what i did... i surrendered to my journey.
Everything is unknown but there are things that are for certain. I spent hrs the other day panicked by the sense that i must literally reduce my life/ my belongings by up to 80%. Not just mine our families, then sitting in the garden, i realized the only things that i will truly miss, are the beautiful red roses in my garden that have grown with us as we grew as a family, my beautiful old twisted fig tree. Our birds... and... my kitchen : ) yup i love my kitchen its huge and a dream to bake in.,but there will be new roses and my tree will be replaced by an out of control begonville plant that attracts the most beautiful butterfly's.
There will be more things that are missed but thats ok.
As soon as i surrendered my husband did too, its funny its like the energy of our souls synchronized at the same time.
Yesterday i was woken with a bump literally at 6.04 by a small 3.2 earthquake that happened to be only 9klm away on a fault line i had never heard of. I felt literally as though someone punched the house and woke immediately and opened the curtain to see the most beautiful full moon staring right at me through the early morning light.
I have no idea what the next 6 weeks will bring but its time to move, to move on, to move forward.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Falling...
I feel safe writing here, its cathartic and cleansing and i cant seem to get the visitors part of the blogger profile working so as far as i can tell i have maybe one reader.:)
This past week has been so unbelievably strange.All the panic... about feeling as though i have very few people to turn to, to call when the sky starts falling.
These past years there have been so much so much, i think that i clung all the time to the same thing... dreams of the future, the plans of what we would do once we sell the house we live in and own.
I came to term with financial losses that the company we lost incurred, when i say we i mean my fathers company's losses as they were are backers.I felt as though i was nearly at the end... ready to move forward.
My husband over the past week has slowly fallen... i watched as he became silent.. i listened as woke multiple times throughout the night.. smoking more..drinking himself to sleep and then It came.
"I am so sorry but i think we might loose the house"
and so a company loan that we co signed for more than 2 years ago is defaulting.We are no longer shareholders but a tiny line in the contract that we co signed has us as personal guarantors..I have already cried in anger at myself, i often sit alone with my tears..but it makes no difference, it is what is its. It makes no difference that our home had nothing to to with our business. Blame it makes no difference either or anger or even tears. This happens to good people every day we just became one of those people. We made mistakes.
I am numb but i take responsibility, i am trying to hold my head up whilst i know that my husband has the classic signs of a nervous breakdown. I will wait for the next 2 days of lawyers meetings and gently persuade him to visit a doctor with me. I will even ask his now retired cousin to come as stay with us for a while.
I am asking my angels for help... for support for love, i am calming my soul whenever i can.
At times i feel as though i have never felt so alone, yet when i sit outside sitting in the darkness i don't feel alone. On Monday late late night i saw a meteorite, i sat all night waiting alone in the dark i knew it would come and it did.
To lighter and brighter days.....
This past week has been so unbelievably strange.All the panic... about feeling as though i have very few people to turn to, to call when the sky starts falling.
These past years there have been so much so much, i think that i clung all the time to the same thing... dreams of the future, the plans of what we would do once we sell the house we live in and own.
I came to term with financial losses that the company we lost incurred, when i say we i mean my fathers company's losses as they were are backers.I felt as though i was nearly at the end... ready to move forward.
My husband over the past week has slowly fallen... i watched as he became silent.. i listened as woke multiple times throughout the night.. smoking more..drinking himself to sleep and then It came.
"I am so sorry but i think we might loose the house"
and so a company loan that we co signed for more than 2 years ago is defaulting.We are no longer shareholders but a tiny line in the contract that we co signed has us as personal guarantors..I have already cried in anger at myself, i often sit alone with my tears..but it makes no difference, it is what is its. It makes no difference that our home had nothing to to with our business. Blame it makes no difference either or anger or even tears. This happens to good people every day we just became one of those people. We made mistakes.
I am numb but i take responsibility, i am trying to hold my head up whilst i know that my husband has the classic signs of a nervous breakdown. I will wait for the next 2 days of lawyers meetings and gently persuade him to visit a doctor with me. I will even ask his now retired cousin to come as stay with us for a while.
I am asking my angels for help... for support for love, i am calming my soul whenever i can.
At times i feel as though i have never felt so alone, yet when i sit outside sitting in the darkness i don't feel alone. On Monday late late night i saw a meteorite, i sat all night waiting alone in the dark i knew it would come and it did.
To lighter and brighter days.....
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