Ponder Wander...

First of all i love the word ponder... 

I feel as though i have been Pondering alot over the last few weeks, and i guess all this pondering has in a strange way led to a transformation of my thoughts. Over the past 3-4 months at times i have felt so overwhelmed and confused and desperate for signs and answers for so many things that i only tired myself more , i have overpondered so to say.

Then something strange happened i somehow arrived in a place where i have never been, i had started to loosen the intense grip i had on all these ponderings...several weeks alone can give you alot of clarity. For me the message was to stop standstill..breathe and be in the moment. I am not sure if i am making any sense ? but suddenly the pondering led to answers or perhaps the closure of subjects and issues. I feel that somehow i am very different that i am not the person that i was 4 months ago...i am making conscious choices that are entirely true to myself without the concerns i had before. 

If anyone reading this doesnt know me well i am an empath, a fixer, a mediator a go between, i have many aquaintances but a handful of dear friends, my effort to continually help and nuture others allowed me to think that i an completely open but infact it is the opposite i am closed hidden constantly by the worries and strains or difficulties of others. Most of these people strangers that i take under my wing. I believe this was who i was ment to be as i chose that for myelf. My senstivity to other peoples feelings energies always leaves me wanting to help them feel more at home in the world..i cant think of a better way to explain it. 

But something has changed not i a selfish way but in a way that will help me to be truer to myself and open myself , i cant do this hiding behind the energies of others..constantly reaching for connections , i have  to find my own shadow.

Sweet Dreams xx

Doors...

I have a cycle that i follow when i feel as though i am struggling.. i close my doors.  I send brief emails to friends but wont call them or answer any calls... I have done this with miscarriages ,ended friendships family fights intense disappointments i have had friends point our this apparent flaw ( i am not sure it is i think it is merely my way or coping and processing or maybe not ? ) Apart from one phonecall to a person that i know would only ask the right questions i didnt meet with or talk to any other people than my daughter husband and family  (at the time in Canada) for more 10 days on the 11th i met with lovely friends but for the first time i cannot break the cycle as the struggle is ongoing... I find myself talking though as i am not really there...i am covering over alot and feel the surges or emotions building like a collosal tide.What am i so afraid of ? being vunerable ? I love to take care of others so why why do i literally not allow others to do it for me. I told a friend on the phone on Friday sorry for the lack of contact as i was a mess before her answer was simply isnt that when you are supposed to call hun ? 

I am gently pushing the door open....i have this feeling that when the tide hits whether it be tomorrow or 2 years from now i cannot do this alone.

Momentum

It seems almost strange to me that all the things that i have been planning to do yet never quite been able to get round to doing or completing are suddenly all either being done or more shockingly complete. 

Perhaps it is because Ceyda is a little older she plays a little more on her own.. no thats not it, there is momentum in the air it is pulling me pushing me driving me...How is it that a 2 year plan to start a small home based business has suddenly been realised. How is that after months of trying to get in shape and fighting myself over what i have or have not eaten that i am am waking at 6.30am to run..How is it that i have been craving to learn knew things yet it is now that i find e courses that are home based and cost effective. My days are running relentlessly into one another yet i cannot stop it, its like a runaway train. I hope that i can find the brakes soon as i am guessing i might just run out of steam soon : ) : )....

or maybe thats the idea maybe i dont run out of steam maybe i throw a few things off the train reduce the weightload get rid of the unwanted and focus..maybe i just found the answer...

Embracing Loneliness

Being lonely is such a contradiction for me as i love to be alone and right now i crave for more time for myself...yet as hard as it to admit i feel lonely much of the time. Of course i am not alone i have lovely friends and a beautiful very fun daughter but i feel lonely.

Many of my friends have in the past few months started work again ( friends who used to pop by for playdates and long afternoon chats.)....or thier lives have suddenly become so busy or they are travelling or have returned home..as a result i am spending alot more time alone with Ceyda. I am also travelling into town up to 3 times a week and find this exhaustive. Ceyda said to me yeterday as we walked to the bus "no mama no bus", this broke my heart : (

I am tired and heavy my energy is low and i am trying to embrace this deep feeling of loneliness and see where it takes me. 

Today is stage 1 of my declutter day, Ceyda will spend a few hours at the office with her daddy and i will pack up all of our old clothes to go to charity. Clear up the house and try to get my haircut..lets see how that goes. lol...i might need a timer  : ) : ) 

The rest of this week i am either going to post pictures or write about Ceyda.I need to back off me for a while and give myself some time to get comfortable. : )