A new space

I have been thinking for a while now to create a new space for my writing, i often don't stay true to what this blog was created for, my journey with bee and motherhood.

So i have created a total new space called Butterflyandthewolf, here i will continue a new path in my writing. I have chosen Butterfly was the metaphor of change, the unfurling that i feel and the wolf as it is my spirit animal.

The blog will be in a separate space and i will post the link when its ready.


Yesterday was  90th Cumhurriyet Bayram, Republic celebration day in Turkey. It seemed extra special this year,the energy right now although intense is really quite beautiful..propelled by Intense Solar Flares in a few days we have a Solar Eclipse and a New Moon in Scorpio. The wonderful mysticmamma as always summarizes the energies so beautifully.

and here is my bee, in our neighborhood a  home is being refurbished/rebuilt, it was so lovely to see they had large heart shapes as part of the ironwork gates. So pretty. She asked me to stop and take her picture and we just caught that light in the most spectacular way.

Energy blocking, uniqueness and just being....

This past few weeks have been such a huge revelation for me, so many tiny little windows of my soul have opened. 
I honestly don't think there are words to explain how since the last full moon and lunar eclipse, how different i feel, and how different everything else feels. It good, its gentle and flowing. 
Much of life's struggles are the same but ultimately i am different, i am accepting this owning it and living deeply and authentically.

The past week was Bayram here in Turkey and my husband daughter and i spent the week together as a family. 
It was a precious week, full of fun laughter and joy,Turkish movies that made me cry, coffee and cakes and love, it was really full of the love we have for each other as a family regardless of our individual struggles. 

I am reading again,i have joined some new online communities and set myself new goals, personal and work related. I am Daring Greatly as one my fav author Brene Brown would say. Thankyou Brene !

I recently read this article on The difference between third and ffith dimensional relationships such a wonderful site growingconsciousness.com and such a comforting, affirming, beautiful article.

I have been doing alot of energy work, gently slowly trying to read the signs and allow myself to both understand my empathy, make positive use it and where necessary protect myself. 

I found this channel on youtube called Infinite waters this one video on How to stop absorbing other peoples energy is worth looking at if you are an intuitive empath. 
I understand now that there is no right and wrong, and that when my empathy/intuition involves me it is very hard to read correctly as my own emotions intermingle, but thats ok.

A while ago a person told me that i was a good energy blocker, they said that i had a way of blocking myself from having my energy read i didn't really understand, i was told this again when i joined an online intuitive community and posted a picture.. every reply was that i couldn't be read. A member personally messaged me and said that she suspected that i was struggling very badly but that i had learned to energy block as a self preservation, she said she felt this as it was something that she can do. 

I didn't give it too much thought again until this week, i was reminded of a coffee chat i had with a couple of friends... that day i dressed up.. wore heals, a nicer than normal outfit..i had Ceyda with me. 
From the outside i must have looked very together buoyant, positive... happy about everything... (apparently that is how i looked) 
The truth was of course that i was crumbling in fact i found myself telling a friend this week that actually all i had wanted to do that day was crawl into a ball and collapse, i was exhausted... 
I kept that quippy positive me going until the bus ride home where i sat and cried behind my sunglasses with Ceyda on my knee. 
The next day i didn't get of bed. A few days later a  dear friend called when i was in bed at 10am and i got up made coffee... i don't really remember anything else. 
I realize looking back that most of the summer i didn't feel that great, i felt as though i had lost the radar signal and was out at sea. 

Now it makes sense that the week before i went to Scotland i started having panic attacks, the kind where you feel like you will die. I think all my bodily emotions started playing catch up and the cracks, the real cracks showed.All of the resistance the blocking/ in my body needed shaking out of me. I felt very grateful for the support my younger sister gave me as she had been through something similar. 
I felt very grateful that i had those few days in Scotland alone...

There has been no 360 degrees of change but everyday i feel calmer more in tune... and that can only be a good thing and its good to here : ).....

Back to now : )

So i am back from a magical 10 days away, its funny how sometimes things end up being so so far from how you think they will be. 

Its started with an unusual flight, i was sitting next to a Persian (they were both keen to state that they were Persian) Mother and son who where Zoroastrianists fast forward three hours... it was by far one of the strangest conversations and interactions that i have had in my life. 

I was quite desperate to read my book and at times felt quite exhausted by the conversation, but afterwards i realized how much i had taken away from the conversation.I realized how unique and amazing it had been. 

Once i arrived at the airport i was met, albeit at the wrong end of the airport.. lol by my sister Lara and with a quick toilet change and Costa coffees in hand (badly needed after our respective early/night flights) we headed to the races to celebrate our younger sisters 30th birthday.Happy Birthday Bee !!  3 race wins,  3 glasses of Champagne and 50 pounds profit later we were heading our exhausted selves home. 

The next day we visited my delightful 89 year grandmother for morning snacks, a good cup of Scottish Tea and a lovely meditative foot massage.

Later that afternoon  we headed off to the West Coast of Scotland to stay in Port Appin for the weekend (see photo above) and what an amazing weekend it was, the weather was perfect, long walks, great sisterly chats and amazing fish, scrabble monopoly wine and time....

It was strange and almost surreal to have so much time... and i enjoyed every moment of it. 

The week blurred into work and it went really well, by Saturday i was refreshed refocused and ready to get back to Izmir and my life. 

October has such a different energy for me, it started with this hugely enveloping INTENSE  energy that had carried on from August and intensified...i guess also linked to very intense flares and solar activity that we have been experiencing.... 

Scotland was i realize my balance, time alone reading books, walking...connecting with my sisters, i came back feeling yes detached but at ease. 

I have not had so many dreams where i remember where i am or where i go, a few nights ago i dreamed a similar dream where i am running except i didn't run, i stopped and faced whatever it was that was chasing me, i woke at this point with a pounding heart, and a sense of "breathe its ok"

A dear friend recently ended our friendship, it threw me..it was a friendship i had felt was kindred and connected... perhaps things change, people change, energies... dimensions..our needs change...we are all here for our own journeys, for each of us its different, i know for example that i am not here to find my soul family, i have met some of them and know that our paths will continue to cross throughout my life, i guess what i am thinking these days is that we all have our journeys... completely different unique and beautiful. 

I hope my friend is happy, i hope she is finding what she needs to find, we cant always agree with or understand everything but at some point there is nothing else "but letting go ".

Hurdles, stories of a life less extraordinary

by Isla Selupucin 

This what i would title the book of my life if i were ever to write one.

Ultimately every moment of our every lives counts the decisions we make, the things we accept, the people we love and those we loose, its all connected , who we meet, who dont....being true to ourselves to our souls and listening, really listening.....

a little bit of the past

Today i decided to look back and read some of my posts from the past, i decided i will start to do this more often.Perhaps monthly. 

Oct 2010 THE BALANCE

I have this feeling that sometimes everything must have Balance. Positive Negative Ying and Yang...I like this as i am a positive person and tend to roll with the lows and highs generally, I also think that the negatives make me appreciate the positives. My week started very slowly.. On Monday Ceyda and i visited the horse stables near us and a nearby park..the trip was soured by the fact that i was ignored by all the mothers there that i was close in age too. ( I live in a foreign country but still..these kind of things makes me feel vulnerable and quite angry ) instead i was welcomed kindly by the grandmothers watching thier grand babies. Balance. 

On Tuesday we had a playdate planned.. the playdate was abruptly cancelled after Ceyda threw up all over me on the bus on the way there. One minute we were counting cars ( great fun when you are on a road : ) ) the next...poor bee and really a huge thankyou to the only person on the bus who helped us. I can remember her face and mouthed her a thankyou ( not that useful as she was Turkish) but i will have to leave it to Karma to repay her for me. Balance. 
By the way approx 2 hours after taking a taxi straight home Ceyda was cuddled up on the couch sleeping and quite literally popped up from her covers and said "mummy better." . Talk about quick recovery. Balance.

Thursday we made it to that playdate and had a lovely time. 

Yesterday we met with the lovely Jan and Ela for what ended up a rather comical coffee and walk.. toddlers dancing in the street and two mothers desperate to a chat whilst mopping up water/ coffee /coffee beans... there was me putting socks and shoes on and Ceyda taking then off.. tears when the games had to stop and then.... the balance came.. it just washed over me in that moment...we had just  come from a kids playhouse called Saysen where we were able to organize a weekly playdate for us and other friends in our playgroup. A comfy sitting area for mums to drink and chat .. and separate playrooms for our babies..with all sorts of fun exciting things to entertain them..i cant wait till Tuesday. This will be the first time i have left Ceyda since she was born with someone other than her daddy. Is it bad that i am excited ? 

Roll on another lovely balanced week. : )

Oct 2011 VUNERABLE

( I only wrote once in Oct 2011 year )

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vulnerable let alone feel vulnerable. Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vulnerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not their fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in their own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didn't) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vulnerability to me or my sisters... showing his fears to us.