Happy Birthday Ceyda

Yesterday was Ceydas 3rd Birthday. Happy Birthday Bee. The pics are borrowed from my aunt until i can get mine uploaded with the dodgy internet connection we have here. oops its already blinking....

Tinkerbells hideout

which present greatv gran ?

Tolle And Nin

Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live.Ekhart Tolle


Suddenly there is calm in the struggle i have had since returning from canada, we are staying at a friends garden Home in bodrum my flight is tomorrow, This place is so peaceful a teeny garden house retreat surrounded by mountains,last night i fell asleep asking for help maybe the universe maybe angels i dont really know , but i woke less tired... Less weighted And without the feeling of fear... That my father may be coming home for a short time...the Tolle quote i fell onto this morning it made me realise that this isnt something i can control or Fix it it what it is And that accepting everything for what it is...thats the answer.
Last night in tears my Mother relayed the same fear to Me that he was coming Home to die, i replied without thought but hes not mum hes coming home to live.

People living deeply have no fear of death.
Anais Nin

Family days

Since coming home from Canada my main focus has been Ceyda, i know the trip unsettled her, it hurt to see her  struggle with the routine changes and different environment. When we left Turkey we took only one peice of handluggage as our flight changes were so tight I made a point of buying her a unicorn cuddly horse in london as he companion.(her choice i love that when given the option she finds the smallest shabbiest thing and wants it, i swear that horse had been there for a century ) Poor bee she started having accidents again and played up alot more than usual ..at times i felt like we were in that episosde of those nanny shows where  they say " all you do is tell her off... so all she knows to get attention is to be naughty" I noticed the biggest change when my sister left a few days earleir than us she constantly asked about her... and missed her.I underestimated how much time my lovely younger sis gives her...and gave her there.

Ceyda is a very very self assured little girl, brave boisterous and full of energy and love yet she can sit and do jigsaw puzzles for am entire afternoon and is sensitive to the feelings of others just like me, (maybe hyper unusally so) she can be so profoundly kind to people quite out of the blue.. she will pick the shy child in a crowd and take thier hand...i love these pure qualities of  love and inclusion ,seeing the comfort and joy  and even assurance she brings people at such a young age. 

Well we have baked... crafted, walked,washed the dog alot as she loves this... gardened, painted... i am detemined that she be settled when we got to Scotland sunday for a month. 

eveing walks

special treat !! 

Doors...

I have a cycle that i follow when i feel as though i am struggling.. i close my doors.  I send brief emails to friends but wont call them or answer any calls... I have done this with miscarriages ,ended friendships family fights intense disappointments i have had friends point our this apparent flaw ( i am not sure it is i think it is merely my way or coping and processing or maybe not ? ) Apart from one phonecall to a person that i know would only ask the right questions i didnt meet with or talk to any other people than my daughter husband and family  (at the time in Canada) for more 10 days on the 11th i met with lovely friends but for the first time i cannot break the cycle as the struggle is ongoing... I find myself talking though as i am not really there...i am covering over alot and feel the surges or emotions building like a collosal tide.What am i so afraid of ? being vunerable ? I love to take care of others so why why do i literally not allow others to do it for me. I told a friend on the phone on Friday sorry for the lack of contact as i was a mess before her answer was simply isnt that when you are supposed to call hun ? 

I am gently pushing the door open....i have this feeling that when the tide hits whether it be tomorrow or 2 years from now i cannot do this alone.

Joy Pockets

I feel as though Joy Pockets are truelly needed. To join in visit the link at the bottom, thankyou Monica.

*cuddly daughter

* true love

*sisters

* skinny frappaccinos

*cool water 

*silence 

*sleep

*moments of sorrow and joy 

*tears

 * Sunshine = Sunsets

* Great friends

The Wise

The Wise Mag

www.wisemag.com

home home home

I have been back now for over a week, my dad had another episode before i left but arrived safely by air ambulance to Scotland on Monday at the moment we are waiting for new consults and hopefully information but for now he is stable and looking good.I have my passport ready but for now will stay here until my officially booked flights on the 17th, everything has taken its toll on Ceyda and i.

The last few weeks left me with a lingering exhaustion unlike anything i had ever had..breathing actually hurts. It was really lovely to spend time as a family albeit in extreme circumstances...I also had the chance to reconnect with a dear friend that i hadnt expected to see for a while. 

The morning after i had arrived and been to see my dad (at that time he was on life support) i woke at 3.30am with Ceyda, there was an electric storm, We sat on my sisters porch watching the storm and my older sister joined us when she woke. I took these picture just as the storm was ending and the sun was coming up.

My Lovely Sister and Ceyda 

My lovely sister saved my dads life, i had the opportunity to witness some of the panic from an episode though nothing in comparison ,when my dad had his second episode.. my sister is amazing calm totally alert the kind of person you really want to fight for your life,which is what she did for my dad, i know this took a much greater toll on her than she admits, i love that i can be so open with her that she is fearless to discuss life..she is one of the few people that i know that doesnt make excuses for her emotions whether irrational or rational she owns them. I know it must hurt her that so many friends keep emaling the family saying that my father (Allan) should never have gone no that trip for Max her sons birthday, i want to shout back at them do you think this wouldnt have happened there ? he was funtioning on 1/3rd of his heart..in Toronto my sister (and hubbie ) saved his life... does anything else matter.