Tolle And Nin

Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live.Ekhart Tolle


Suddenly there is calm in the struggle i have had since returning from canada, we are staying at a friends garden Home in bodrum my flight is tomorrow, This place is so peaceful a teeny garden house retreat surrounded by mountains,last night i fell asleep asking for help maybe the universe maybe angels i dont really know , but i woke less tired... Less weighted And without the feeling of fear... That my father may be coming home for a short time...the Tolle quote i fell onto this morning it made me realise that this isnt something i can control or Fix it it what it is And that accepting everything for what it is...thats the answer.
Last night in tears my Mother relayed the same fear to Me that he was coming Home to die, i replied without thought but hes not mum hes coming home to live.

People living deeply have no fear of death.
Anais Nin

home home home

I have been back now for over a week, my dad had another episode before i left but arrived safely by air ambulance to Scotland on Monday at the moment we are waiting for new consults and hopefully information but for now he is stable and looking good.I have my passport ready but for now will stay here until my officially booked flights on the 17th, everything has taken its toll on Ceyda and i.

The last few weeks left me with a lingering exhaustion unlike anything i had ever had..breathing actually hurts. It was really lovely to spend time as a family albeit in extreme circumstances...I also had the chance to reconnect with a dear friend that i hadnt expected to see for a while. 

The morning after i had arrived and been to see my dad (at that time he was on life support) i woke at 3.30am with Ceyda, there was an electric storm, We sat on my sisters porch watching the storm and my older sister joined us when she woke. I took these picture just as the storm was ending and the sun was coming up.

My Lovely Sister and Ceyda 

My lovely sister saved my dads life, i had the opportunity to witness some of the panic from an episode though nothing in comparison ,when my dad had his second episode.. my sister is amazing calm totally alert the kind of person you really want to fight for your life,which is what she did for my dad, i know this took a much greater toll on her than she admits, i love that i can be so open with her that she is fearless to discuss life..she is one of the few people that i know that doesnt make excuses for her emotions whether irrational or rational she owns them. I know it must hurt her that so many friends keep emaling the family saying that my father (Allan) should never have gone no that trip for Max her sons birthday, i want to shout back at them do you think this wouldnt have happened there ? he was funtioning on 1/3rd of his heart..in Toronto my sister (and hubbie ) saved his life... does anything else matter.