The Wise

The Wise Mag

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I have been back now for over a week, my dad had another episode before i left but arrived safely by air ambulance to Scotland on Monday at the moment we are waiting for new consults and hopefully information but for now he is stable and looking good.I have my passport ready but for now will stay here until my officially booked flights on the 17th, everything has taken its toll on Ceyda and i.

The last few weeks left me with a lingering exhaustion unlike anything i had ever had..breathing actually hurts. It was really lovely to spend time as a family albeit in extreme circumstances...I also had the chance to reconnect with a dear friend that i hadnt expected to see for a while. 

The morning after i had arrived and been to see my dad (at that time he was on life support) i woke at 3.30am with Ceyda, there was an electric storm, We sat on my sisters porch watching the storm and my older sister joined us when she woke. I took these picture just as the storm was ending and the sun was coming up.

My Lovely Sister and Ceyda 

My lovely sister saved my dads life, i had the opportunity to witness some of the panic from an episode though nothing in comparison ,when my dad had his second episode.. my sister is amazing calm totally alert the kind of person you really want to fight for your life,which is what she did for my dad, i know this took a much greater toll on her than she admits, i love that i can be so open with her that she is fearless to discuss life..she is one of the few people that i know that doesnt make excuses for her emotions whether irrational or rational she owns them. I know it must hurt her that so many friends keep emaling the family saying that my father (Allan) should never have gone no that trip for Max her sons birthday, i want to shout back at them do you think this wouldnt have happened there ? he was funtioning on 1/3rd of his heart..in Toronto my sister (and hubbie ) saved his life... does anything else matter.

Life death and the Inbetween

I am in Toronto Canada and have been since the 6th of June, on the evening of the launch of our website my father suffered a massive heart attack.He was in Toronto visiting my older sister for her sons 1st birthday, my sister and her husband saved his life by giving him CPR. In the ambulance his heart stopped for 20 mins , in all that Day he was brought back 3 times.
When I arrived he was on life support the room felt empty to me if it werent for the sound of the machines, my father didn't die infact he has made by all the doctors accounts a miraculous recovery,although he hasn't completely come back to us..I guess details aren't required as we are just so happy that he is here.Today I talked with him and I asked him what he wanted to do from here on in.He said he wanted to live for now..the love I have felt for my father over the past few weeks perhaps surpasses anything that has existed between us in a long time perhaps since i was a child. Stripped down to our most vunerble states our humanity and very being, the delicacy of life and the inevitable end of it seem clear as glass.
I need this blog right now to be heard I am surrounded by people I love but cannot hear my voice.
Love and light xx

Living in Turkey.net

So on Sunday the site will launch yay 

Today i realised i am exhausted..i have a migrane looming and itchy eyes..( as strange stress thing i get when i am not sleeping enough) i am so excited and nervous. 

 Stop by on Sunday if you have a few minutes i would love to have some feedback...

LivinginTurkey

What i really want to do is write about the journey that brought me to this point... the friendship that blossomed after a series of unexpected events.. i want to talk about how sometimes when we choose do things selflessly, happy and comfortable in the knowledge that there is no reward.. much greater more beautiful things develop and i wanted to share something else.

2 nights ago i had a dream i walking through the corridors of a building, a beautiful building full of glass and light..and old stone.. i stopped and greeted many people all of whom i knew.(but i had never seen).we shook hands, held faces..shared smiles.. in my dream i saw 2 friends one dear and very close ( both in friendship and proximity to each other although lately meeting up has been hard...), the other i had not seen in sometime yet  is equally dear. In the dream i saw them at seperate moments.. we hugged each other so deeply and tightly that i felt it was not a dream....

Blogging blogged out !!

İ am really missing having the time to personally blog,to comment on the blogs i follow...in the last 2 weeks i have written more the 30 info research based articles...i feel myself becoming more focused...but there is nothing else my brain is a mush of random facts about the country i live in ( i am driving my husband crazy with the dıd you knows)i Will be back soon though :) ...launch date is looming...

Mother Guilt

I am suddenly doing something that i enjoy other than being a mother (which i love love love)...it takes up huge amount of my time it drives me pushes me... but why do i feel such guilt...i feel at times as though i am a juggler in a circus the balls are rolling rolling yet i am waiting for them to fall.

For the past  near 3 years i have been a doting mother a 100% mother i give all and everything to my daughter , but i have a longing to do other things i love..to write, to take pictures, to study.....so why is that in the last few months projects that i have wanted to do suddenly came to be..from starting an online business course to starting an online company..and studying. 

My guilt is self created i dont work when my daughter is awake (she spends a few more hours at daddys office at the moment when i need to catch up ) but i know that i am thinking of things other than her and before i only thought of her. I am not overcompenstating with her we do the same things ( crafts painting, park trips playgroups) but i know that she feels a change she shows affection to me in a more demostrative way she tells me she misses me.She şs more defiant and independent.It breaks my heart.I know it is good for her. Today after a long conversation with my sister i saw through myself a little.. i have been a mother for nearly 3 years but i have also been a mother who desperately wants another child a mother who has lost... and has failed fertilty treatments behind her.i think of Ceyda and a sisterless child because i love my own so dearly i wish for her to share that love.Before having Ceyda we had a hard and at times very sad time trying to get pregnant and i would never trade it for anything as Ceyda made it all worthwhile, but i put so many aspects of my life on hold, i drank less coffee..ruined what could have been the best ever girls holiday in Miami as i was worried i could be pregnant. The desperation for what i wanted clouded over parts of my life. When we did the treatment for Ceyda i had lost hope i had no expectation...i cant keep going with this cycle maybe Ceyda is destined to be our only child i cant let the next 5 years be clouded again. So i have broken out.. we will still keep trying..treatments and all and at some point will have to decide to call it a day but for now i choose to live outwith those constant thoughts and be grateful for what we have and to start doing some of those things that i want to do. I have to trust myself i can be a great mother and a good business women too i just have to let myself get comfortable with the change. 

Silent Sunday