Mother Guilt

I am suddenly doing something that i enjoy other than being a mother (which i love love love)...it takes up huge amount of my time it drives me pushes me... but why do i feel such guilt...i feel at times as though i am a juggler in a circus the balls are rolling rolling yet i am waiting for them to fall.

For the past  near 3 years i have been a doting mother a 100% mother i give all and everything to my daughter , but i have a longing to do other things i love..to write, to take pictures, to study.....so why is that in the last few months projects that i have wanted to do suddenly came to be..from starting an online business course to starting an online company..and studying. 

My guilt is self created i dont work when my daughter is awake (she spends a few more hours at daddys office at the moment when i need to catch up ) but i know that i am thinking of things other than her and before i only thought of her. I am not overcompenstating with her we do the same things ( crafts painting, park trips playgroups) but i know that she feels a change she shows affection to me in a more demostrative way she tells me she misses me.She şs more defiant and independent.It breaks my heart.I know it is good for her. Today after a long conversation with my sister i saw through myself a little.. i have been a mother for nearly 3 years but i have also been a mother who desperately wants another child a mother who has lost... and has failed fertilty treatments behind her.i think of Ceyda and a sisterless child because i love my own so dearly i wish for her to share that love.Before having Ceyda we had a hard and at times very sad time trying to get pregnant and i would never trade it for anything as Ceyda made it all worthwhile, but i put so many aspects of my life on hold, i drank less coffee..ruined what could have been the best ever girls holiday in Miami as i was worried i could be pregnant. The desperation for what i wanted clouded over parts of my life. When we did the treatment for Ceyda i had lost hope i had no expectation...i cant keep going with this cycle maybe Ceyda is destined to be our only child i cant let the next 5 years be clouded again. So i have broken out.. we will still keep trying..treatments and all and at some point will have to decide to call it a day but for now i choose to live outwith those constant thoughts and be grateful for what we have and to start doing some of those things that i want to do. I have to trust myself i can be a great mother and a good business women too i just have to let myself get comfortable with the change.