Vunerable

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vunerable let alone feel vunerable.Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vunerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not thier fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in thier own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didnt) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vunerablilty to me or my sisters showing his fears to us. 

Anger & Tears

The world almost everyone around me feels angry right now..anger is directed at any target.. even i have felt abnormally irrationa maybe angry.. take a few emails accusations and angry words utter disppointment and then 3 hrs crying in a locked bathroom , i dont think i have ever cried so long  and hard my face and eyes are burning from tears, i know longer know why or who i am crying for. Its like a giant curtain of grief just fell on me..... 




and then the death of a stranger.

All that i want...( angry pants) Rank

Yes i have a wee bee in bonnet and i have found a great way to zone out of it i am sure that you all know this song.. its been going on in my head for so long now. The past few weeks since Ceyda started Kindergarten family members, neighbours.. the list goese on this is what they say. "You should be pregnant by now" "Now you can get pregnant again" "Ceyda must have a brother" "When will you have another child" Why is there no baby yet" " are you pregnant ? " Do you now want another child ? I feel my anger rising a pefect example of this would be testing my stress level on my iphone normally it is 1% or 2% ( i am stressed but i manage it well i exercise, mediatate... sit on the balcony with coffees at 7am... lie on the grass to let the negativity seep out of me) On our regular Sunday breakfast i tested 36%.. hmmm i also coincidentally click on this song on Ace of Base ALL THAT SHE WANTS while trying to find songs for Ceyda now everytime a person mentions the word Bebek or Hamıile baby and pregnant in turkish it pops into my head and i suddenly feel this calm wash over me.. an inner smile as i visualise an Ali McBeal style ass whiping to questioner. All that i want is another baby.. thump thump.. ok so its not very Zen but it makes the moment sting alot less and it makes me smile and walk away without feeling that sickening anger towards someone who doesnt understand... The truth is i have wanted every baby we have lost before and after her birth, after 3 years of trying i am sick of the asking and people not listening it hurts me to be asked accusingly why i dont have another child or are we working hard enough.!!!!!

Heart Rising Jim Self

I found the following article today, or rather it found me. I had to attach the picture of the door the same as on the site it was so symbolic to me. Here is the link to the site heartrising.com 

"The archangels said 'There is a path that has never, ever been followed before. We believe that we can create a doorway that would allow third dimensional mass consciousness to wake up and step into a fifth dimensional full consciousness.  Would you like to play with us?"  

Often described as a teacher's teacher and healer's healer, Jim Self has been leading seminars and teaching healing, clairvoyance and personal energy management courses for over 30 years.  A former vice-mayor of San Jose, California and advisor to US President Jimmy Carter, Jim is a down-to-earth spiritual master who has devoted his life to higher principles while walking with both feet planted firmly on the ground.  He is an international speaker, author and the founder of Mastering Alchemy.

Self transformation is the focus of Jim's website www.masteringalchemy.com. Together, Jim and his partner Roxane offer practical tools designed to empower and awaken those who seek. Motivated by compassion rather than profit, there are numerous articles, audio files, video files and webinars which are free of charge and readily available to anyone. In all of what is offered, there are only three very special programs which require tuition to keep them going, and Jim and Roxane do everything they can to keep the cost as low as possible. This approach is not only refreshing, but serves as an example of how selfless service can thrive in balance even in an economic climate which is vastly out of balance. 

Please listen to Jim as he shares his extraordinary personal story and his deep insights into human nature and what is currently unfolding in our world, by clicking on the enclosure below...     

Interview

Little Pockets of Joy

Joining Monica over at Holisticmama for my weeks pockets of joy

*Giving my little with cold lots of TlC at home for the week 

*Having my little bee at home for a week and spending lovely uninterupted time with her (when she wasnt sleeping off her cold.)

*Feeling balanced and positive about the future

*Daily exercise helping to cleanse my soul and feeling as though my body is thanking me for it

*Reaslizing that doing the monthly accounts to Enya make it a whole lot stressful

* Enjoying reading this article spiritlibrary.com

Have a beautiful Weekend !!

Ponder Wander...

First of all i love the word ponder... 

I feel as though i have been Pondering alot over the last few weeks, and i guess all this pondering has in a strange way led to a transformation of my thoughts. Over the past 3-4 months at times i have felt so overwhelmed and confused and desperate for signs and answers for so many things that i only tired myself more , i have overpondered so to say.

Then something strange happened i somehow arrived in a place where i have never been, i had started to loosen the intense grip i had on all these ponderings...several weeks alone can give you alot of clarity. For me the message was to stop standstill..breathe and be in the moment. I am not sure if i am making any sense ? but suddenly the pondering led to answers or perhaps the closure of subjects and issues. I feel that somehow i am very different that i am not the person that i was 4 months ago...i am making conscious choices that are entirely true to myself without the concerns i had before. 

If anyone reading this doesnt know me well i am an empath, a fixer, a mediator a go between, i have many aquaintances but a handful of dear friends, my effort to continually help and nuture others allowed me to think that i an completely open but infact it is the opposite i am closed hidden constantly by the worries and strains or difficulties of others. Most of these people strangers that i take under my wing. I believe this was who i was ment to be as i chose that for myelf. My senstivity to other peoples feelings energies always leaves me wanting to help them feel more at home in the world..i cant think of a better way to explain it. 

But something has changed not i a selfish way but in a way that will help me to be truer to myself and open myself , i cant do this hiding behind the energies of others..constantly reaching for connections , i have  to find my own shadow.

Sweet Dreams xx

She's Alive... Beautiful... Finite... Hurting... Worth Dying for....