2015 has been long sad and agonizingly painful at times, there have been moments of overwhelming beauty and kindness, moments of humility and pure joy, moments of empathy so deep, moments of disappointment and confusion and ultimately love, moments of love, a love that is unbreakable, undefined and even unseen.
Reflecting back to several years ago i remember thinking that maybe i was here to simply accompany other people on their difficult journeys, i was here to take care of offer love and support, i remember thinking - i am here to create connections and smile, laugh with friends, share joyful moments.
I have always had this utter fascination with the "butterfly effect" or chaos theory, sliding doors, the quote below envisages so much of my core belief.
"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
--An ancient Chinese belief
According to the law of attraction perhaps i created my own butterfly effect, perhaps to start my own journey to the depths of my soul.
A serious of chaotic changes that started in 2012 and came to the forefront in 2013, nearly broke me in 2014, i say nearly but perhaps they did, when china breaks the cracks always remain like footprints of the of the fall ,maybe the same happens with our souls, the imprints of our journeys.
These things i realize, these events, these moments, actions changed me, i lost my wind it was as though my light was dimmed. I sometimes imagine ours souls as lights - beacons, like lighthouses, when the light dims the ships loose their way, the depth and dangers of the ocean cant be seen and we become lost. I am still lost.
I find the person that i was the summer of 2012 unrecognizable the me then - she felt connected, surrounded by great friends, she felt good and confident at motherhood and work she owned her mistakes and faced everything head-on, she felt like she was a valuable friend a mentor even, she felt even though the universe was throwing some hard balls her way that she could cope, she was convinced of this, like she had built herself up into this magical invincible person. I talk about myself in the third person as that person no longer exists. I don't remember the moment that i lost sight of the me then by but 2014 it felt like i was swimming headfirst into rapids alone.
2015 i simply got a better raft, i hung on tighter, the stress invaded my body, at times literally crushing me. I have this fear this deep seated fear about someone i love and their life, it tears at me, it keeps me awake at night. Its so outwith my control that no amounts of tears will change the course of actions. My entire life feels restless, as though i am waiting for an outcome.
I realized that you (meaning me) simply cant live another persons story, you can only help them to the best of your ability to change the ending.
I appreciate now how hard other peoples journeys can be, when a person says you cannot read a book by its cover, that is one of the greatest truths of all. There are things that lie hidden behind all of us, the in-between as i like to call them. The space between the person we show to the world and the person we know ourselves truly to be be, the truth of our lives, the essence of our souls.
This year i said goodbye to two of the dearest people in my life my darling grandmother and my beautiful aunt.
My Grandmother passed away peacefully at the start of the year aged 90 years old
My Aunt took her own life a few days after her 60th birthday in late Oct this year.
I loved you both dearly. I miss you both. There will never be enough words to express my feeling of loss for you both.
2016
I have no expectations for 2016.
I would love to take better care of myself.
I would love an even stronger raft.
I would love to take a leap and allow people back into my life without fear of hurt or betrayal.
But the truth is i wouldn't change a thing, i choose this journey after-all, the more i struggle the more i fight harder to find the beauty i fight harder to love more, to live deeper. I may not feel so connected but i no longer see life through rose tinted spectacles. I feel more deeply than i have before, it might be painful but along the way i have found sanctuary's.
My light may have dimmed on the outside but its shines brightly in my soul.
Love light and happiness for 2016
Littlebeeandbutterfly
I will be moving to a new space in 2016.
"a soulful space to share stories of life love and the in-between"
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