New schools house guests and hibernation

Its been a quiet yet busy flowing few weeks, we have moved Ceyda from Kindergarten to a private Foundation school 35mins drive away, we had friends living with us and i am still deeply happily hibernating in between working.

The school change was a major decision that was taken and executed in a few hrs.. for weeks i had been feeling uneasy about Ceydas kindergarten, all the good teachers seemed to be gone, there seemed to be very little organisation, i know she is only 5 but Ceyda thrives on structure so it wasn't surprising that she often told me she was bored at school.
The private schools here are insanely expensive and i had heard about this school from alot of people, it a foundation school ie, a state school with private funding, it very very academic which was (and still is) my one concern... but we were very impressed when we visited the school with Ceyda and with one place left in the pre school that would guarantee her a place in September, i don't think we really had to think for more than 5 mins. When we visited they asked her to join the class for one hour i think this allowed her to feel as though she was included in the decision.
The first week was a bit bumpy for her, alot more rules and structure, but now she is happily settled and telling us in detail everything she learned and did that day. (something she was always very reluctant to do at kindergarten). Yesterday it was magnets and how to play chess. I am very proud of her and already see the positive influence. So we have Christmas to look forward too and crafting and baking : ) : ) . In 2 weeks we fly to Scotland.

I am working away and yes in hibernation, a few shorts weeks ago my friend N was here and we jointly declared we must meet new people,new groups friends.. in truth i don't want to drive or search for this not anymore.. i feel tired. .i felt surprised when she told me that she had felt left out in a friendship group and that she felt i had showed a preference over certain a friendship.
It made me uncomfortable and almost sad as my view of things so often seems to be the so different to how others see it. I guess it comes down to how one person reality will always be different to anothers, whilst i was thinking how lucky i was to have a group of friends that did not have to deal with jealousy or other issues that come about with groups... Its confusing and a little tiring..my heart just tells me to stand back a little.I enjoy remaining connected to good friends via emails or blogs, or even the odd coffee and catch up but that's enough now.
Its good though its gentler and easier than i would have ever imagined there is also the added detail of how different i feel and how different the world outside feels to me right now....

Happy Halloween !!

Ceyda and her Best Friend Emma

I love to have gatherings and small parties, i love to do these with Ceyda, so i took a deep breath and had my first party. Ceyda and i hosted a small Halloween Party and we all had a lot of fun reconnecting with friends who don't often see.It was nice and it reminded me how much Ceyda enjoys spending time with her International friends.

Zombie Games !!

Home Baked and improvised Halloween Cupcakes !

and lovely friends : )

A new space

I have been thinking for a while now to create a new space for my writing, i often don't stay true to what this blog was created for, my journey with bee and motherhood.

So i have created a total new space called Butterflyandthewolf, here i will continue a new path in my writing. I have chosen Butterfly was the metaphor of change, the unfurling that i feel and the wolf as it is my spirit animal.

The blog will be in a separate space and i will post the link when its ready.


Yesterday was  90th Cumhurriyet Bayram, Republic celebration day in Turkey. It seemed extra special this year,the energy right now although intense is really quite beautiful..propelled by Intense Solar Flares in a few days we have a Solar Eclipse and a New Moon in Scorpio. The wonderful mysticmamma as always summarizes the energies so beautifully.

and here is my bee, in our neighborhood a  home is being refurbished/rebuilt, it was so lovely to see they had large heart shapes as part of the ironwork gates. So pretty. She asked me to stop and take her picture and we just caught that light in the most spectacular way.

Energy blocking, uniqueness and just being....

This past few weeks have been such a huge revelation for me, so many tiny little windows of my soul have opened. 
I honestly don't think there are words to explain how since the last full moon and lunar eclipse, how different i feel, and how different everything else feels. It good, its gentle and flowing. 
Much of life's struggles are the same but ultimately i am different, i am accepting this owning it and living deeply and authentically.

The past week was Bayram here in Turkey and my husband daughter and i spent the week together as a family. 
It was a precious week, full of fun laughter and joy,Turkish movies that made me cry, coffee and cakes and love, it was really full of the love we have for each other as a family regardless of our individual struggles. 

I am reading again,i have joined some new online communities and set myself new goals, personal and work related. I am Daring Greatly as one my fav author Brene Brown would say. Thankyou Brene !

I recently read this article on The difference between third and ffith dimensional relationships such a wonderful site growingconsciousness.com and such a comforting, affirming, beautiful article.

I have been doing alot of energy work, gently slowly trying to read the signs and allow myself to both understand my empathy, make positive use it and where necessary protect myself. 

I found this channel on youtube called Infinite waters this one video on How to stop absorbing other peoples energy is worth looking at if you are an intuitive empath. 
I understand now that there is no right and wrong, and that when my empathy/intuition involves me it is very hard to read correctly as my own emotions intermingle, but thats ok.

A while ago a person told me that i was a good energy blocker, they said that i had a way of blocking myself from having my energy read i didn't really understand, i was told this again when i joined an online intuitive community and posted a picture.. every reply was that i couldn't be read. A member personally messaged me and said that she suspected that i was struggling very badly but that i had learned to energy block as a self preservation, she said she felt this as it was something that she can do. 

I didn't give it too much thought again until this week, i was reminded of a coffee chat i had with a couple of friends... that day i dressed up.. wore heals, a nicer than normal outfit..i had Ceyda with me. 
From the outside i must have looked very together buoyant, positive... happy about everything... (apparently that is how i looked) 
The truth was of course that i was crumbling in fact i found myself telling a friend this week that actually all i had wanted to do that day was crawl into a ball and collapse, i was exhausted... 
I kept that quippy positive me going until the bus ride home where i sat and cried behind my sunglasses with Ceyda on my knee. 
The next day i didn't get of bed. A few days later a  dear friend called when i was in bed at 10am and i got up made coffee... i don't really remember anything else. 
I realize looking back that most of the summer i didn't feel that great, i felt as though i had lost the radar signal and was out at sea. 

Now it makes sense that the week before i went to Scotland i started having panic attacks, the kind where you feel like you will die. I think all my bodily emotions started playing catch up and the cracks, the real cracks showed.All of the resistance the blocking/ in my body needed shaking out of me. I felt very grateful for the support my younger sister gave me as she had been through something similar. 
I felt very grateful that i had those few days in Scotland alone...

There has been no 360 degrees of change but everyday i feel calmer more in tune... and that can only be a good thing and its good to here : ).....

Back to now : )

So i am back from a magical 10 days away, its funny how sometimes things end up being so so far from how you think they will be. 

Its started with an unusual flight, i was sitting next to a Persian (they were both keen to state that they were Persian) Mother and son who where Zoroastrianists fast forward three hours... it was by far one of the strangest conversations and interactions that i have had in my life. 

I was quite desperate to read my book and at times felt quite exhausted by the conversation, but afterwards i realized how much i had taken away from the conversation.I realized how unique and amazing it had been. 

Once i arrived at the airport i was met, albeit at the wrong end of the airport.. lol by my sister Lara and with a quick toilet change and Costa coffees in hand (badly needed after our respective early/night flights) we headed to the races to celebrate our younger sisters 30th birthday.Happy Birthday Bee !!  3 race wins,  3 glasses of Champagne and 50 pounds profit later we were heading our exhausted selves home. 

The next day we visited my delightful 89 year grandmother for morning snacks, a good cup of Scottish Tea and a lovely meditative foot massage.

Later that afternoon  we headed off to the West Coast of Scotland to stay in Port Appin for the weekend (see photo above) and what an amazing weekend it was, the weather was perfect, long walks, great sisterly chats and amazing fish, scrabble monopoly wine and time....

It was strange and almost surreal to have so much time... and i enjoyed every moment of it. 

The week blurred into work and it went really well, by Saturday i was refreshed refocused and ready to get back to Izmir and my life. 

October has such a different energy for me, it started with this hugely enveloping INTENSE  energy that had carried on from August and intensified...i guess also linked to very intense flares and solar activity that we have been experiencing.... 

Scotland was i realize my balance, time alone reading books, walking...connecting with my sisters, i came back feeling yes detached but at ease. 

I have not had so many dreams where i remember where i am or where i go, a few nights ago i dreamed a similar dream where i am running except i didn't run, i stopped and faced whatever it was that was chasing me, i woke at this point with a pounding heart, and a sense of "breathe its ok"

A dear friend recently ended our friendship, it threw me..it was a friendship i had felt was kindred and connected... perhaps things change, people change, energies... dimensions..our needs change...we are all here for our own journeys, for each of us its different, i know for example that i am not here to find my soul family, i have met some of them and know that our paths will continue to cross throughout my life, i guess what i am thinking these days is that we all have our journeys... completely different unique and beautiful. 

I hope my friend is happy, i hope she is finding what she needs to find, we cant always agree with or understand everything but at some point there is nothing else "but letting go ".

Hurdles, stories of a life less extraordinary

by Isla Selupucin 

This what i would title the book of my life if i were ever to write one.

Ultimately every moment of our every lives counts the decisions we make, the things we accept, the people we love and those we loose, its all connected , who we meet, who dont....being true to ourselves to our souls and listening, really listening.....

a little bit of the past

Today i decided to look back and read some of my posts from the past, i decided i will start to do this more often.Perhaps monthly. 

Oct 2010 THE BALANCE

I have this feeling that sometimes everything must have Balance. Positive Negative Ying and Yang...I like this as i am a positive person and tend to roll with the lows and highs generally, I also think that the negatives make me appreciate the positives. My week started very slowly.. On Monday Ceyda and i visited the horse stables near us and a nearby park..the trip was soured by the fact that i was ignored by all the mothers there that i was close in age too. ( I live in a foreign country but still..these kind of things makes me feel vulnerable and quite angry ) instead i was welcomed kindly by the grandmothers watching thier grand babies. Balance. 

On Tuesday we had a playdate planned.. the playdate was abruptly cancelled after Ceyda threw up all over me on the bus on the way there. One minute we were counting cars ( great fun when you are on a road : ) ) the next...poor bee and really a huge thankyou to the only person on the bus who helped us. I can remember her face and mouthed her a thankyou ( not that useful as she was Turkish) but i will have to leave it to Karma to repay her for me. Balance. 
By the way approx 2 hours after taking a taxi straight home Ceyda was cuddled up on the couch sleeping and quite literally popped up from her covers and said "mummy better." . Talk about quick recovery. Balance.

Thursday we made it to that playdate and had a lovely time. 

Yesterday we met with the lovely Jan and Ela for what ended up a rather comical coffee and walk.. toddlers dancing in the street and two mothers desperate to a chat whilst mopping up water/ coffee /coffee beans... there was me putting socks and shoes on and Ceyda taking then off.. tears when the games had to stop and then.... the balance came.. it just washed over me in that moment...we had just  come from a kids playhouse called Saysen where we were able to organize a weekly playdate for us and other friends in our playgroup. A comfy sitting area for mums to drink and chat .. and separate playrooms for our babies..with all sorts of fun exciting things to entertain them..i cant wait till Tuesday. This will be the first time i have left Ceyda since she was born with someone other than her daddy. Is it bad that i am excited ? 

Roll on another lovely balanced week. : )

Oct 2011 VUNERABLE

( I only wrote once in Oct 2011 year )

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vulnerable let alone feel vulnerable. Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vulnerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not their fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in their own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didn't) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vulnerability to me or my sisters... showing his fears to us. 

Autumn Equinox

Its that time of year again when the air cools and the season begins to change, this past week has been very hard for me, struggling with huge empathetic waves, i felt so ill at times so unbalanced with all the change that i lost my appetite and 2kg in a matter of days.
Its a strange place to be, i don't want to be here but i am waiting it out, trying very hard for cues and balance. In two days i will travel to Scotland alone for 9 days, the word alone feels as though it cuts me when i say it.
Without Ceyda, without K, i have traveled before but why does now feel sooo hard, why am i struggling so much with everything right now. I know in part i dont want to change who i am... i dont want to leave people behind.. and i do not want to become something i am not... its funny how when you think all the work is nearly done you realize that perhaps you never started. 

For the first few days i will have a small holiday with my sisters and family, we will also celebrate my sisters 30th years of being here, then Monday i will work. 

I am adding something that was recently sent to me that ment a great deal to me.... The original link come from here...
http://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/littlesoul-thesun.htm

The Little Soul and The Sun
A Children's Parable
by Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations With God

Once upon no time, there was a little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am."

And God said, "That's wonderful! Who are you?"

And the Little Soul shouted, "I'm the Light!"

God smiled a big smile. "That's right!" God exclaimed. "You are the Light."

The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all the souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out.

"Wow," said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"

But soon, knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said,

"Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?"

And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already Are?"

"Well," replied the Little Soul," it's one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it's like to be the Light!"

"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again.

"Yes, but I want to see what that feels like!" cried the Little Soul.

"Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one."

Then God's expression changed. "There's only one thing..."

"What?" asked the Little Soul.

"Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there is nothing that you are not."

"Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.

"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you're there all right. Along with a million, gazillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of its candles...and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light -that is the question."

"Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you're God. Think of something!"

Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we'll surround you with darkness."

"What's darkness?" the Little Soul asked.

God replied, "It is that which you are not."

"Will I be afraid of the dark?" cried the Little Soul.

"Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing, really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending."

"Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.

Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It is a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then."

"And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don't be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and all others will know, too. Let your Light shine so that everyone will know how special you are!"

"You mean it's okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul.

"Of course!" God chuckled. "It's very okay! But remember,'special' does not mean 'better.' Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."

"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!"

"Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul.

"What part of special do you want to be?"

"What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don't understand."

"Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"

The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul then exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!"

"Yes!" God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That's what it means to be the Light."

"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called 'forgiving'. Isn't it special to be forgiving?"

"Oh, yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That is very special."

"Okay," said the Little Soul. "That's what I want to be. I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that."

"Good," said God, "but there's one thing you should know."

The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication.

"What is it?" the Little Soul sighed.

"There is no one to forgive."

"No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said.

"No one!" God repeated. "Everything I have made is perfect. There is not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you. Look around you."

It was then that the Little Soul realized a large crowd had gathered. Souls had come from far and wide ~ from all over the Kingdom ~ for the word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying. Looking at the countless other souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect than the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around, and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them.

"Who, then, to forgive?" asked God.

"Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like."

And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad. But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd.

"Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you."

"You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?"

"Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"

"You can?"

"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."

"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You, who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to want to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you ~ who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move through the Kingdom with the speed of your thought--to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"

"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."

The Little Soul seemed surprised at the answer.

"Don't be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don't you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don't remember."

"We have both been All Of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, the Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, the Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad; we have both been the victim and the villain of it."

"Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing to the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the 'bad one' this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives.

"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"

"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we'll think of something."

Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."

"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.

"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favour to ask of you in return."

"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"

Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.

"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"

"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember: I have sent you nothing but angels."

And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul's request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.

"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possible imagine ~ in that very moment..."

"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes...?""Remember Who I Really Am."

"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, "I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"

"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you do not remember me as I really am, I may not be able to remember for a very long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."

"No, we won't!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift ~ the chance to experience myself as Who I Am.

" And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness.

And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new soul appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness--and especially if it brought sadness--the Little Soul thought of what God had said.

"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."