a little bit of the past

Today i decided to look back and read some of my posts from the past, i decided i will start to do this more often.Perhaps monthly. 

Oct 2010 THE BALANCE

I have this feeling that sometimes everything must have Balance. Positive Negative Ying and Yang...I like this as i am a positive person and tend to roll with the lows and highs generally, I also think that the negatives make me appreciate the positives. My week started very slowly.. On Monday Ceyda and i visited the horse stables near us and a nearby park..the trip was soured by the fact that i was ignored by all the mothers there that i was close in age too. ( I live in a foreign country but still..these kind of things makes me feel vulnerable and quite angry ) instead i was welcomed kindly by the grandmothers watching thier grand babies. Balance. 

On Tuesday we had a playdate planned.. the playdate was abruptly cancelled after Ceyda threw up all over me on the bus on the way there. One minute we were counting cars ( great fun when you are on a road : ) ) the next...poor bee and really a huge thankyou to the only person on the bus who helped us. I can remember her face and mouthed her a thankyou ( not that useful as she was Turkish) but i will have to leave it to Karma to repay her for me. Balance. 
By the way approx 2 hours after taking a taxi straight home Ceyda was cuddled up on the couch sleeping and quite literally popped up from her covers and said "mummy better." . Talk about quick recovery. Balance.

Thursday we made it to that playdate and had a lovely time. 

Yesterday we met with the lovely Jan and Ela for what ended up a rather comical coffee and walk.. toddlers dancing in the street and two mothers desperate to a chat whilst mopping up water/ coffee /coffee beans... there was me putting socks and shoes on and Ceyda taking then off.. tears when the games had to stop and then.... the balance came.. it just washed over me in that moment...we had just  come from a kids playhouse called Saysen where we were able to organize a weekly playdate for us and other friends in our playgroup. A comfy sitting area for mums to drink and chat .. and separate playrooms for our babies..with all sorts of fun exciting things to entertain them..i cant wait till Tuesday. This will be the first time i have left Ceyda since she was born with someone other than her daddy. Is it bad that i am excited ? 

Roll on another lovely balanced week. : )

Oct 2011 VUNERABLE

( I only wrote once in Oct 2011 year )

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vulnerable let alone feel vulnerable. Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vulnerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not their fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in their own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didn't) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vulnerability to me or my sisters... showing his fears to us.