You know i come from the stars right ?

This morning Ceyda once again said something that reminds me of how much children can leave us speechless.
I asked her if she was looking forward to School her reply was quick and with little thought, oh yes of course much more than my old school, i said you mean cifci ( her old kindergarten) she said no my school with my family Africa, now this came up (and has come up since) in a rather bizzare car journey with Ceyda on the way to Ikea.
I haven't really entered into any spiritual or religious conversations with Ceyda.
Previous to this she had told me when she was four that did we know that she came from the stars that she choose us to be her mummy and daddy and that her friend Luka has also done the same.

The Ikea car journey left Koray and i both looking at each other with that did she really just say that look...
So driving along quite happily no conversation out of the blue she says.. you know before you i had another family in Africa we all died and i came here to be with you. It was very matter of fact, like her telling us this was the most normal thing in the world.

I read this article here this morning and was reminded of these pure beautiful moments...
discoveryouraura.blogspot.gr
and memories of other children.

love & light
xx

New schools house guests and hibernation

Its been a quiet yet busy flowing few weeks, we have moved Ceyda from Kindergarten to a private Foundation school 35mins drive away, we had friends living with us and i am still deeply happily hibernating in between working.

The school change was a major decision that was taken and executed in a few hrs.. for weeks i had been feeling uneasy about Ceydas kindergarten, all the good teachers seemed to be gone, there seemed to be very little organisation, i know she is only 5 but Ceyda thrives on structure so it wasn't surprising that she often told me she was bored at school.
The private schools here are insanely expensive and i had heard about this school from alot of people, it a foundation school ie, a state school with private funding, it very very academic which was (and still is) my one concern... but we were very impressed when we visited the school with Ceyda and with one place left in the pre school that would guarantee her a place in September, i don't think we really had to think for more than 5 mins. When we visited they asked her to join the class for one hour i think this allowed her to feel as though she was included in the decision.
The first week was a bit bumpy for her, alot more rules and structure, but now she is happily settled and telling us in detail everything she learned and did that day. (something she was always very reluctant to do at kindergarten). Yesterday it was magnets and how to play chess. I am very proud of her and already see the positive influence. So we have Christmas to look forward too and crafting and baking : ) : ) . In 2 weeks we fly to Scotland.

I am working away and yes in hibernation, a few shorts weeks ago my friend N was here and we jointly declared we must meet new people,new groups friends.. in truth i don't want to drive or search for this not anymore.. i feel tired. .i felt surprised when she told me that she had felt left out in a friendship group and that she felt i had showed a preference over certain a friendship.
It made me uncomfortable and almost sad as my view of things so often seems to be the so different to how others see it. I guess it comes down to how one person reality will always be different to anothers, whilst i was thinking how lucky i was to have a group of friends that did not have to deal with jealousy or other issues that come about with groups... Its confusing and a little tiring..my heart just tells me to stand back a little.I enjoy remaining connected to good friends via emails or blogs, or even the odd coffee and catch up but that's enough now.
Its good though its gentler and easier than i would have ever imagined there is also the added detail of how different i feel and how different the world outside feels to me right now....

Happy Halloween !!

Ceyda and her Best Friend Emma

I love to have gatherings and small parties, i love to do these with Ceyda, so i took a deep breath and had my first party. Ceyda and i hosted a small Halloween Party and we all had a lot of fun reconnecting with friends who don't often see.It was nice and it reminded me how much Ceyda enjoys spending time with her International friends.

Zombie Games !!

Home Baked and improvised Halloween Cupcakes !

and lovely friends : )

A new space

I have been thinking for a while now to create a new space for my writing, i often don't stay true to what this blog was created for, my journey with bee and motherhood.

So i have created a total new space called Butterflyandthewolf, here i will continue a new path in my writing. I have chosen Butterfly was the metaphor of change, the unfurling that i feel and the wolf as it is my spirit animal.

The blog will be in a separate space and i will post the link when its ready.


Yesterday was  90th Cumhurriyet Bayram, Republic celebration day in Turkey. It seemed extra special this year,the energy right now although intense is really quite beautiful..propelled by Intense Solar Flares in a few days we have a Solar Eclipse and a New Moon in Scorpio. The wonderful mysticmamma as always summarizes the energies so beautifully.

and here is my bee, in our neighborhood a  home is being refurbished/rebuilt, it was so lovely to see they had large heart shapes as part of the ironwork gates. So pretty. She asked me to stop and take her picture and we just caught that light in the most spectacular way.

Energy blocking, uniqueness and just being....

This past few weeks have been such a huge revelation for me, so many tiny little windows of my soul have opened. 
I honestly don't think there are words to explain how since the last full moon and lunar eclipse, how different i feel, and how different everything else feels. It good, its gentle and flowing. 
Much of life's struggles are the same but ultimately i am different, i am accepting this owning it and living deeply and authentically.

The past week was Bayram here in Turkey and my husband daughter and i spent the week together as a family. 
It was a precious week, full of fun laughter and joy,Turkish movies that made me cry, coffee and cakes and love, it was really full of the love we have for each other as a family regardless of our individual struggles. 

I am reading again,i have joined some new online communities and set myself new goals, personal and work related. I am Daring Greatly as one my fav author Brene Brown would say. Thankyou Brene !

I recently read this article on The difference between third and ffith dimensional relationships such a wonderful site growingconsciousness.com and such a comforting, affirming, beautiful article.

I have been doing alot of energy work, gently slowly trying to read the signs and allow myself to both understand my empathy, make positive use it and where necessary protect myself. 

I found this channel on youtube called Infinite waters this one video on How to stop absorbing other peoples energy is worth looking at if you are an intuitive empath. 
I understand now that there is no right and wrong, and that when my empathy/intuition involves me it is very hard to read correctly as my own emotions intermingle, but thats ok.

A while ago a person told me that i was a good energy blocker, they said that i had a way of blocking myself from having my energy read i didn't really understand, i was told this again when i joined an online intuitive community and posted a picture.. every reply was that i couldn't be read. A member personally messaged me and said that she suspected that i was struggling very badly but that i had learned to energy block as a self preservation, she said she felt this as it was something that she can do. 

I didn't give it too much thought again until this week, i was reminded of a coffee chat i had with a couple of friends... that day i dressed up.. wore heals, a nicer than normal outfit..i had Ceyda with me. 
From the outside i must have looked very together buoyant, positive... happy about everything... (apparently that is how i looked) 
The truth was of course that i was crumbling in fact i found myself telling a friend this week that actually all i had wanted to do that day was crawl into a ball and collapse, i was exhausted... 
I kept that quippy positive me going until the bus ride home where i sat and cried behind my sunglasses with Ceyda on my knee. 
The next day i didn't get of bed. A few days later a  dear friend called when i was in bed at 10am and i got up made coffee... i don't really remember anything else. 
I realize looking back that most of the summer i didn't feel that great, i felt as though i had lost the radar signal and was out at sea. 

Now it makes sense that the week before i went to Scotland i started having panic attacks, the kind where you feel like you will die. I think all my bodily emotions started playing catch up and the cracks, the real cracks showed.All of the resistance the blocking/ in my body needed shaking out of me. I felt very grateful for the support my younger sister gave me as she had been through something similar. 
I felt very grateful that i had those few days in Scotland alone...

There has been no 360 degrees of change but everyday i feel calmer more in tune... and that can only be a good thing and its good to here : ).....

Back to now : )

So i am back from a magical 10 days away, its funny how sometimes things end up being so so far from how you think they will be. 

Its started with an unusual flight, i was sitting next to a Persian (they were both keen to state that they were Persian) Mother and son who where Zoroastrianists fast forward three hours... it was by far one of the strangest conversations and interactions that i have had in my life. 

I was quite desperate to read my book and at times felt quite exhausted by the conversation, but afterwards i realized how much i had taken away from the conversation.I realized how unique and amazing it had been. 

Once i arrived at the airport i was met, albeit at the wrong end of the airport.. lol by my sister Lara and with a quick toilet change and Costa coffees in hand (badly needed after our respective early/night flights) we headed to the races to celebrate our younger sisters 30th birthday.Happy Birthday Bee !!  3 race wins,  3 glasses of Champagne and 50 pounds profit later we were heading our exhausted selves home. 

The next day we visited my delightful 89 year grandmother for morning snacks, a good cup of Scottish Tea and a lovely meditative foot massage.

Later that afternoon  we headed off to the West Coast of Scotland to stay in Port Appin for the weekend (see photo above) and what an amazing weekend it was, the weather was perfect, long walks, great sisterly chats and amazing fish, scrabble monopoly wine and time....

It was strange and almost surreal to have so much time... and i enjoyed every moment of it. 

The week blurred into work and it went really well, by Saturday i was refreshed refocused and ready to get back to Izmir and my life. 

October has such a different energy for me, it started with this hugely enveloping INTENSE  energy that had carried on from August and intensified...i guess also linked to very intense flares and solar activity that we have been experiencing.... 

Scotland was i realize my balance, time alone reading books, walking...connecting with my sisters, i came back feeling yes detached but at ease. 

I have not had so many dreams where i remember where i am or where i go, a few nights ago i dreamed a similar dream where i am running except i didn't run, i stopped and faced whatever it was that was chasing me, i woke at this point with a pounding heart, and a sense of "breathe its ok"

A dear friend recently ended our friendship, it threw me..it was a friendship i had felt was kindred and connected... perhaps things change, people change, energies... dimensions..our needs change...we are all here for our own journeys, for each of us its different, i know for example that i am not here to find my soul family, i have met some of them and know that our paths will continue to cross throughout my life, i guess what i am thinking these days is that we all have our journeys... completely different unique and beautiful. 

I hope my friend is happy, i hope she is finding what she needs to find, we cant always agree with or understand everything but at some point there is nothing else "but letting go ".

Hurdles, stories of a life less extraordinary

by Isla Selupucin 

This what i would title the book of my life if i were ever to write one.

Ultimately every moment of our every lives counts the decisions we make, the things we accept, the people we love and those we loose, its all connected , who we meet, who dont....being true to ourselves to our souls and listening, really listening.....

a little bit of the past

Today i decided to look back and read some of my posts from the past, i decided i will start to do this more often.Perhaps monthly. 

Oct 2010 THE BALANCE

I have this feeling that sometimes everything must have Balance. Positive Negative Ying and Yang...I like this as i am a positive person and tend to roll with the lows and highs generally, I also think that the negatives make me appreciate the positives. My week started very slowly.. On Monday Ceyda and i visited the horse stables near us and a nearby park..the trip was soured by the fact that i was ignored by all the mothers there that i was close in age too. ( I live in a foreign country but still..these kind of things makes me feel vulnerable and quite angry ) instead i was welcomed kindly by the grandmothers watching thier grand babies. Balance. 

On Tuesday we had a playdate planned.. the playdate was abruptly cancelled after Ceyda threw up all over me on the bus on the way there. One minute we were counting cars ( great fun when you are on a road : ) ) the next...poor bee and really a huge thankyou to the only person on the bus who helped us. I can remember her face and mouthed her a thankyou ( not that useful as she was Turkish) but i will have to leave it to Karma to repay her for me. Balance. 
By the way approx 2 hours after taking a taxi straight home Ceyda was cuddled up on the couch sleeping and quite literally popped up from her covers and said "mummy better." . Talk about quick recovery. Balance.

Thursday we made it to that playdate and had a lovely time. 

Yesterday we met with the lovely Jan and Ela for what ended up a rather comical coffee and walk.. toddlers dancing in the street and two mothers desperate to a chat whilst mopping up water/ coffee /coffee beans... there was me putting socks and shoes on and Ceyda taking then off.. tears when the games had to stop and then.... the balance came.. it just washed over me in that moment...we had just  come from a kids playhouse called Saysen where we were able to organize a weekly playdate for us and other friends in our playgroup. A comfy sitting area for mums to drink and chat .. and separate playrooms for our babies..with all sorts of fun exciting things to entertain them..i cant wait till Tuesday. This will be the first time i have left Ceyda since she was born with someone other than her daddy. Is it bad that i am excited ? 

Roll on another lovely balanced week. : )

Oct 2011 VUNERABLE

( I only wrote once in Oct 2011 year )

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vulnerable let alone feel vulnerable. Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vulnerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not their fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in their own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didn't) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vulnerability to me or my sisters... showing his fears to us.