2012

Wow  Happy New Year Peeps !!
I have been gone from the blogging world for a while now, since Dec 10th to be exact. Since then we have been to Scotland, celebrated Christmas and a very fun New Year !! and i where i am ? I am in a good place, a place where i plan to stay. I have some great plans for this year and have every intention to drive them to friution.
( more on the power of Intention later )

So what of that past month. We really had a magic truelly lovely time.

Ceyda and left for Scotland on the 16th Dec a little earlier than we usually do and i was so glad we did. Not only did we get the best of the run up to Christmas we also got snow, not a huge amount but enough to give us that.. its really Christmas feeling, of course it was all gone and replaced by crazy winds by Christmas day.

The day after we arrived we visted Santa at our local Indoor/ Outdoor childrens playarea, if you ever visit Perthshire during March- Dec wth kids of any age then stop by as it is a fantastic place.
activekidadventurepark.

Ceyda and i with Santa

From our Santa visit we went directly to the Bethlehem Experience.. which both my mum and i thought was well the Bethlehem Experience ie.. a nativity play ... even the camels and wise men outside didnt give it away.

                                                   

3 wise men on Camels

The Bethlehem Experience was not a Nativity play though it was an all out... Rapping / Rocking Christian Concert.. type thing.
First of all please note i have no problem at all with such events it was just a shock to the system having never attended one and well i was really expecting mangers and small children and baby jesus.
 I instead was rapping with Ceyda on my hip shouting "This little Light"...
I have to say the Group LZ7 were great and got me out of my seat and man did they shine a light !!

I  had a huge amount of fun with Ceyda and although we did leave after about 40 mins as (once the group above left the stage) we all admittingly got a little bored. I think you have to be in the right kind of place to listen to a sermon and for me that place has always been a church but i certainly felt the love and was grateful to experience it as its not something i would have ever chosen to do.
It also turned out that Ceyda enjoyed the Bethlehem Experience rappers more than the singingkettle, where she sat quietly during the whole perfomance i think she was so overwhelmed by everything going on, on stage she didnt know what to do.
                                               

With the Family at the Singing Kettle

                               

Sleeping Beauty

The rest of the trips best pics.....
                                                                 

mmmm Dessert !!

                                                     

Guitar Diva with Uncle Sam

Presents from Santa !!

All dressed up for New Year with Grandpa 

Dougal and Ceyda Joined at the Hip !!!

Visiting Great Grandma : ) : )

Just before we headed home we travelled to Largs to visit Korays Friends and stayed in a Bed and Breakfast. We arrived the day of the huge storms and i was pretty nervous about the roof or our B&B during the night ( which was lovely BTW the way the breakfast was amazing i frankly wish i had eaten less the night before ..Appin B&B
The wind and rain had gone the next day and we had a beautiful walk by the sea... it made me really miss living in Scotland.

So Beautiful !

BBRRR daddy !!

and Rainbows...

First Rainbow of 2012 

Joy Pockets 35

I spent most of this week alone except for a trip into town for friends and to help out with a playgroup event, its a week of steadying and rebalancing...

This weeks Joy pockets 

* Christmas crafting with bee 

* Healing 

* Recieving a beautiful compliment from a stanger

* A sense of calm after the storm 

* Sibling love 

* Silence so much silence 

* Hibernation

* Coffee with wonderful friends

* Cleansing rainstorms 

* Hope 

6 years...

Today is the 9th Dec and its 6 years since we lost Alex. I actually dont feel like we lost him except that there is no other word that seems correct to use. 

His name was chosen when we knew it was a boy but we only started calling him Alex a couple of years ago before that we didnt really speak about him or what happened. Yesterday when i reminded my husband of the date today he said "our Alex" as though it was the most natural thing in the world. It feels good to be in a place of healing but so good to see that my husband is there too. 

It is nice now to honour him, remember his soul and its very brief journey in the world, he was never born but will always be remembered. Every year i light a candle for him..the more spiritual and connected i have become with the world the more at ease i have become. 

This is the poem i wrote a few days before our 14 week scan at this point the doctor expected that we would loose him.

Things improved and we were told there were no more worries that he was looking healthy and i was told to go and enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. I still remember my doctors genuine look of suprise some time later as Koray carried me into the ER in a blanket in his arms. 

I love you now as a flower grows

I hope for you with every breathe i breathe.

My love entangled with your journey 

I hold you as gently as sand in my hand, 

I let you go as softly as a feather in the wind

***********

Bodrum Silence and Truth

This past weekend we drove down to stay with our friends in Bodrum they have this incredibly cute little wooden house at the bottom of thier garden.. no television.. right beside thier summer pool.. decking with an outdoor fireplace all white inside i love that little house and noticed that lately i have really started to look forward to visiting. Our friends are actually Ks best friend from childhood and his wife. His wife and i get on fine and i find her an easy person to be around, we might be very different and might never be best friends but we both understand the depth of friendship that are husbands have. Winters in Bodrum are always lovely fresh sea air countyside and mostly empty streets.I like who i am when i am there. 

I spent most the of the weekend reading, thinking,not thinking and just being. Ceyda had a suprise nap on Sunday that lasted 3 hours. It was so nice. I think i must have fallen into myself as right now i dont really want to come out.

I have really been fighting alot of emotions lately or maybe not fighting maybe processing absorbing and in one case working through.

I have spent and will continue to spend the rest of this week alone.      

(Until i throw myself into a dinner of 90 on Friday evening like a crazy lady and try to flog some tshirts for a cause more on that later )

What is there to process my fathers health.. and my sisters sick baby... a sense of abandonment i feel from a friendship and the deep knawing knowlegde that someone i love isnt happy and that the only way to change that is perhaps to start again. Literally. Sell up. Move on. Start over. The words keep going round and round.Except even if this was possible it would take time maybe 2 years. 

I recently read a quote from one of Tolles books that "Worry pretends to be neccessary but serves no usefull purpose" he is right really, worrying achieves nothing.... actions speak far louder than words.. in the case of my dad and my sister worrying for them achieves nothing as will them worrying achieve nothing, instead i think about them constantly. I imagine my father energised after a restful sleep and my sister i imagine hugging her, i literally close my eyes a hundred times a day and hold her tight in the hope that she can feel just a fraction of it. 

Its that deep knawing knowledge thats tougher i am not worried about it as i know i am the Capitan of the ship and i have seen the storm long before it breaks but i have no idea where to start with it and whether i can avoid its course.

Its strange as the past couple of days i have felt as though time has been going at break neck speed and i was just in the moments moving from one task to the next trying to squeese in time to finish reading The help, this morning i woke at 5am (i have one of those irritating winter coughs that keeps you awake most of the night ) I finished the book at 7am happy to have read such a great book after months of reading nothing... and then time just seemed to slow down. I think thats the gift of an amazing book it transports you to another world in this case Jackson Mississipi and i loved every moment.When i got back everything felt still again.  

I am not quite sure how to stick this in but i will as its my truth the past week before we went to Bodrum i was filling up with anger toward a situation. www.livinginturkey.net didnt exactly pan out the way i hoped. I cant stand loosing control and i truelly believe this could be my learning curve in all this. That and that sometimes always being nice and understanding means that as it was my conscious choice at the time i cant get mad at anyone but myself  and to be fair getting mad at myself is as useful as worrying. A  wise friend said (in regards to the financial side) think of it as an investment in knowledge. The site as it stands has lots of glips that i have no idea how to fix, the design of the site and how to maintain was never anything to do with me and to be 100% honest i should  have forcefully involved myself more. Right now i am thinking to close it and move the articles to blogger and when the hosting comes up in March have a think about it again. For me the frustration of not being able to move forward with it was driving me crazy and then last night i had one of those ahh moments where i realised i was wasting far too much energy. So now i just have to shift 60 tshirts that were printed while i was in Canada and wallahhh the burden will be gone : ) : ) it will be believe me.

The chosen location  the xmas Kermesse at the IWAI dinner with 90 attendees at the Swiss Hotel : ( ....i think i am actually scared since i am in hibernation at the moment. At least i will have my lovely BF with me. 
Roll on Friday. 

The feeling of abandonment in a friendship maybe thats ok maybe i feel it and move on. Cleanse the Karma and take the good from the process. Terry Kandle, his son contacted me via the site. To cut a long story short Terrys Wife had stoke while on holiday here. His son was worried as he was alone in a foreign county and asked if we could help, so my husband and i visited him at the hospital where his wife lay in the ICU. I spoke to him and visited him everyday including the day his wife died.The death of a Stranger. 

Without the site perhaps Terry Kandle would have been sitting alone each day at the hospital and for me thats enough of a reason to have started the site. 

Spiritual Unfoldment

"beloved children your life is governed by the law and you find yourselves in exactly the place and with the very circumstances which you yourself have chosen  but this is nonsense you may say i would never have chosen this path.. This is the outer self speaking , the mortal mind but the real self the divine spirit within knows the needs of your soul........ The whole purpose of your life and the purpose behind every human experience is the growth and unfoldment of your Soul."

My grandmothers gave me this book last time that i was at home she was clearning her apartment as she recently moved home. Last night i picked up the book whilst thinking about someone i love dearly... i immediately read the passage above. The book was written first in 1942 i have the published edition from 1961. 

I love the word enfoldment its encompasses something warm and wrapped the embracement of our souls.

In a few hrs we will drive to Bodrum for the weekend. I am so looking forward to 2 days in the countryside....

Looking Back

2 nights ago i had a dream i walking through the corridors of a building, a beautiful building full of glass and light..and old stone.. i stopped and greeted many people all of whom i knew.(but i had never seen).we shook hands, held faces..shared smiles.. in my dream i saw 2 friends one dear and very close ( both in friendship and proximity to each other although lately meeting up has been hard...), the other i had not seen in sometime yet is equally dear. In the dream i saw them at seperate moments.. we hugged each other so deeply and tightly that i felt it was not a dream....


I wrote this on Sat the 4th of June i had that dream a few days before June 5th. 

Happy Birthday DCFCWI

Today Ceyda and i made not one but two cakes for Ks birthday. There was also a birthday rocket that did not surive its launch off the Kitchen table. When i asked Ceyda what she wanted to buy daddy for his birthday she replied A present to Boys.. so i said ok what about a hat.. no she said thats to girls..i know lets make daddy a rocket : ) : ) and Carrot cake.

I got a bit daring and went for a DOUBLE CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE ICING the cake became a single layers when a tin of walnuts were placed oh so beautifully right in the centre of the cake batter... or the second tin.I think double layer though would have been a killer though cos this cake was just soooo good.

 To think i even baked my staple Carrot Cake ( hubbies fave) in case i got this one wrong. : ) Cake overdose !!