This past weekend we drove down to stay with our friends in Bodrum they have this incredibly cute little wooden house at the bottom of thier garden.. no television.. right beside thier summer pool.. decking with an outdoor fireplace all white inside i love that little house and noticed that lately i have really started to look forward to visiting. Our friends are actually Ks best friend from childhood and his wife. His wife and i get on fine and i find her an easy person to be around, we might be very different and might never be best friends but we both understand the depth of friendship that are husbands have. Winters in Bodrum are always lovely fresh sea air countyside and mostly empty streets.I like who i am when i am there.
I spent most the of the weekend reading, thinking,not thinking and just being. Ceyda had a suprise nap on Sunday that lasted 3 hours. It was so nice. I think i must have fallen into myself as right now i dont really want to come out.
I have really been fighting alot of emotions lately or maybe not fighting maybe processing absorbing and in one case working through.
I have spent and will continue to spend the rest of this week alone.
(Until i throw myself into a dinner of 90 on Friday evening like a crazy lady and try to flog some tshirts for a cause more on that later )
What is there to process my fathers health.. and my sisters sick baby... a sense of abandonment i feel from a friendship and the deep knawing knowlegde that someone i love isnt happy and that the only way to change that is perhaps to start again. Literally. Sell up. Move on. Start over. The words keep going round and round.Except even if this was possible it would take time maybe 2 years.
I recently read a quote from one of Tolles books that "Worry pretends to be neccessary but serves no usefull purpose" he is right really, worrying achieves nothing.... actions speak far louder than words.. in the case of my dad and my sister worrying for them achieves nothing as will them worrying achieve nothing, instead i think about them constantly. I imagine my father energised after a restful sleep and my sister i imagine hugging her, i literally close my eyes a hundred times a day and hold her tight in the hope that she can feel just a fraction of it.
Its that deep knawing knowledge thats tougher i am not worried about it as i know i am the Capitan of the ship and i have seen the storm long before it breaks but i have no idea where to start with it and whether i can avoid its course.
Its strange as the past couple of days i have felt as though time has been going at break neck speed and i was just in the moments moving from one task to the next trying to squeese in time to finish reading The help, this morning i woke at 5am (i have one of those irritating winter coughs that keeps you awake most of the night ) I finished the book at 7am happy to have read such a great book after months of reading nothing... and then time just seemed to slow down. I think thats the gift of an amazing book it transports you to another world in this case Jackson Mississipi and i loved every moment.When i got back everything felt still again.
I am not quite sure how to stick this in but i will as its my truth the past week before we went to Bodrum i was filling up with anger toward a situation. www.livinginturkey.net didnt exactly pan out the way i hoped. I cant stand loosing control and i truelly believe this could be my learning curve in all this. That and that sometimes always being nice and understanding means that as it was my conscious choice at the time i cant get mad at anyone but myself and to be fair getting mad at myself is as useful as worrying. A wise friend said (in regards to the financial side) think of it as an investment in knowledge. The site as it stands has lots of glips that i have no idea how to fix, the design of the site and how to maintain was never anything to do with me and to be 100% honest i should have forcefully involved myself more. Right now i am thinking to close it and move the articles to blogger and when the hosting comes up in March have a think about it again. For me the frustration of not being able to move forward with it was driving me crazy and then last night i had one of those ahh moments where i realised i was wasting far too much energy. So now i just have to shift 60 tshirts that were printed while i was in Canada and wallahhh the burden will be gone : ) : ) it will be believe me.
The chosen location the xmas Kermesse at the IWAI dinner with 90 attendees at the Swiss Hotel : ( ....i think i am actually scared since i am in hibernation at the moment. At least i will have my lovely BF with me. Roll on Friday.
The feeling of abandonment in a friendship maybe thats ok maybe i feel it and move on. Cleanse the Karma and take the good from the process. Terry Kandle, his son contacted me via the site. To cut a long story short Terrys Wife had stoke while on holiday here. His son was worried as he was alone in a foreign county and asked if we could help, so my husband and i visited him at the hospital where his wife lay in the ICU. I spoke to him and visited him everyday including the day his wife died.The death of a Stranger.
Without the site perhaps Terry Kandle would have been sitting alone each day at the hospital and for me thats enough of a reason to have started the site.
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