Monday, August 29, 2011

Scotland

We are home back in Izmir and although i am missing my family terribly (more so than i ever have) i am glad to have my feet on the ground and to be in my own bed ( oh how much i missed my bed) , even for a short while to spend some time as a family and friends.
5 weeks is the longest i have spent back at "home" in Scotland since taking a CELTA course in 2004.
The first few weeks when we arrived were the hardest as my father was still in hospital and my mother
(perhaps all of us) were still stuggling with the aftermath of this Summers events but we all got in a good rythmn with time and there have been so many precious family moments since.I have left feeling much closer to my father sisters and mother. 
Ceyda loved being in Scotland and i know my parents now ache for her they got used to her waking them in the morning, reading them (yes them) stories and generally being part of the delightful world of Ceyda. The Scottish air helped her grow 3 cm and she seemed to come back more grown up, more conversational and much more settled.. considering we have been on the move since June the 5th i am just happy she is happy.

Returning on the plane i wondered whether i had subconsciously never stayed in Scotland for too long after coming here. The fresh air, greeness and heavy summer rains certainly did wonders for my bruised soul.

So what did we get up to when we werent going for long walks, taking care of grandma and grandpa..watching reruns of the The apprentice or Dragons Den. (my evenings with my sis)
Having fun days out, in Izmir there are really only a handful of places that are for kids (there are more but in my opinion are more for parents..) so it was so nice to have so many different things to do and places to visit all the time. 

Seaworld Edinburgh

Camperdown Zoo with Daddy
Aftenoon drives with New friends

Family Meals

I cant tell you how much i love the picture above.
My mother and cousin are missing as thet are certainly outdoors having a sneaky..smoke..Koray is definitely dashing around after Ceyda. My great grandmother pictured ( with the pink wrist warmer) is watching with delightful worry as her great grandson is hung upsidedown by his daring daddy.My sisters concerned hand hangs on his shirt.My younger sister in the floral shirt is looking with bemusement at the waiter wondering why he standing like that, my aunt opposite her is in deep conversation with him and then there is my father sitting smiling....this is my family. I should add the topic of the conversation with the waiter was about how my great grandmother gives each staff member a bounty bar of chocolate every time she stops by the The Royal George Hotel for afternoon tea. ( she forgot to bring him a bar the day before and the words to match his hands were " Wheres my bounty Mrs. Proctor" you have to love her.

Mad Hatters Tea Party a the Walled Garden. 
The day before our flight home we all went to support my aunt and her friends at the annual Walled Garden Open Day.The event helps raise funds Mental Health Support in Scotland. My aunt is a hugely inspirational person a wonderful  and very talented artist whose life at times has been shadowed by bi polar disorder. She helped pioneer OneLeafOneLink a community project involving art therapy by reaching out to those who feel left out.Inspirational. This year her new project is PLUSleaveslinks.
Ceyda had her own hat to take part in the mad hatters hat competition and wow did we underestimate the competition.
em why am i the smallest mummy ?


and to finish.....




Thursday, August 11, 2011

Strength and Love

Strength and Love were the 2 miniature Angel Cards i picked for myself as i left my grandmothers late this afternoon. My grandmother is 86,delicate frail and uniquely spiritual she sees angels and is guided by a serenity that is quite unexplainable, she wasn't always this way, a 50'S housewife and mother it took the death of my grandfather for her to find her wings.
Today she told me my energy was calmer she was right of course. Since returning to my "home" i have felt as though i was stuck in a huge vacuum.. like a flightless bird waiting for the next gust of wind to set me soaring..i am not soaring yet but i can feel the breeze softly gently coming. Strength and Love. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Happy Birthday Ceyda

Yesterday was Ceydas 3rd Birthday. Happy Birthday Bee. The pics are borrowed from my aunt until i can get mine uploaded with the dodgy internet connection we have here. oops its already blinking....


Tinkerbells hideout

which present greatv gran ?


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Tolle And Nin

Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live.Ekhart Tolle


Suddenly there is calm in the struggle i have had since returning from canada, we are staying at a friends garden Home in bodrum my flight is tomorrow, This place is so peaceful a teeny garden house retreat surrounded by mountains,last night i fell asleep asking for help maybe the universe maybe angels i dont really know , but i woke less tired... Less weighted And without the feeling of fear... That my father may be coming home for a short time...the Tolle quote i fell onto this morning it made me realise that this isnt something i can control or Fix it it what it is And that accepting everything for what it is...thats the answer.
Last night in tears my Mother relayed the same fear to Me that he was coming Home to die, i replied without thought but hes not mum hes coming home to live.

People living deeply have no fear of death.
Anais Nin

Friday, July 15, 2011

Family days

Since coming home from Canada my main focus has been Ceyda, i know the trip unsettled her, it hurt to see her  struggle with the routine changes and different environment. When we left Turkey we took only one peice of handluggage as our flight changes were so tight I made a point of buying her a unicorn cuddly horse in london as he companion.(her choice i love that when given the option she finds the smallest shabbiest thing and wants it, i swear that horse had been there for a century ) Poor bee she started having accidents again and played up alot more than usual ..at times i felt like we were in that episosde of those nanny shows where  they say " all you do is tell her off... so all she knows to get attention is to be naughty" I noticed the biggest change when my sister left a few days earleir than us she constantly asked about her... and missed her.I underestimated how much time my lovely younger sis gives her...and gave her there.
Ceyda is a very very self assured little girl, brave boisterous and full of energy and love yet she can sit and do jigsaw puzzles for am entire afternoon and is sensitive to the feelings of others just like me, (maybe hyper unusally so) she can be so profoundly kind to people quite out of the blue.. she will pick the shy child in a crowd and take thier hand...i love these pure qualities of  love and inclusion ,seeing the comfort and joy  and even assurance she brings people at such a young age. 
Well we have baked... crafted, walked,washed the dog alot as she loves this... gardened, painted... i am detemined that she be settled when we got to Scotland sunday for a month. 

eveing walks



special treat !! 





Monday, July 11, 2011

Doors...


I have a cycle that i follow when i feel as though i am struggling.. i close my doors.  I send brief emails to friends but wont call them or answer any calls... I have done this with miscarriages ,ended friendships family fights intense disappointments i have had friends point our this apparent flaw ( i am not sure it is i think it is merely my way or coping and processing or maybe not ? ) Apart from one phonecall to a person that i know would only ask the right questions i didnt meet with or talk to any other people than my daughter husband and family  (at the time in Canada) for more 10 days on the 11th i met with lovely friends but for the first time i cannot break the cycle as the struggle is ongoing... I find myself talking though as i am not really there...i am covering over alot and feel the surges or emotions building like a collosal tide.What am i so afraid of ? being vunerable ? I love to take care of others so why why do i literally not allow others to do it for me. I told a friend on the phone on Friday sorry for the lack of contact as i was a mess before her answer was simply isnt that when you are supposed to call hun ? 
I am gently pushing the door open....i have this feeling that when the tide hits whether it be tomorrow or 2 years from now i cannot do this alone.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Joy Pockets

I feel as though Joy Pockets are truelly needed. To join in visit the link at the bottom, thankyou Monica.




*cuddly daughter
* true love
*sisters
* skinny frappaccinos
*cool water 
*silence 
*sleep
*moments of sorrow and joy 
*tears
 * Sunshine = Sunsets
* Great friends










joy pockets