why ?????

Sometimes in life the hardest part is trying to understand the why... even when you look at every cycle and spiritual planetary explanation the whys they stick sometimes , they leave us open and vulnerable.
Its beyond and intense time for clearing cleansing... solar flares... energy uploads and downloads....

Its almost weird to think that today i could be gone, i could actually not be here.... how much life changes in seconds... how much everything can change..in just one moment...
Last Thursday at home alone i choked on a piece of cheese on toast..yes toast... of all bloody things...the toast hadn't toasted properly, the bread was soft with melted cheese....i want to think it sounds funny... i have laughed when others laugh but they also read my fear.. and stop and go quiet...

The truth is that i was ALONE completely alone and as the panic began to rise...and i frantically
beat my own ribs and threw myself at furniture... this is what you do, so desperate for air... so desperate for life..the panic surged to the point where after some seconds. my brain registered it was in real trouble... i guess they call this flight or fight...and i fought....i only remember thinking shit shit shit....
In the end i pretty much rammed my own hand down my throat.... collapsing on the bathroom floor... gasping for air... sweating exhausted... when i stood i saw my reflection in the mirror, my face was so red... my lips were tinged with blue...i couldn't move, i steadied myself holding the basin... looking sucking in air..my eyes filled with tears..i began shaking... and then i cried... and cried and cried....

I called K some time later still crying. i still feel shocked... like something tore me out of my own skin...

I am so happy to be here, to live in this life, to have the connections that i have .... but i feel like someone just gave me the paddles ... and that there is a message that i am waiting to hear....
Did i clear some misplaced Karma...am i still me... because u feel different... displaced... maybe that just the shock... there's no physical evidence just a terrible sore throat...( it remains even with salt water washes... ) I feel like  am watching my own life on a slow reel...
I am the only witness...
I would have been alone... but alone part, that's not what has stayed with me, that was almost ok..i have mastered the alone.... its the fact that the line between here and there is so thin... its almost transparent...
Its the why ?
I cant really think about the other side.. the part where i fail in my fight..its not that i don't want to think about it its just that i cant...

But then its the same why... why do babies die... why is the world so masterfully cruel yet beautiful at the same time...why did a dear friend find out today that her child is dying , while another s sister is birthing her son to the world even though he will never take a breath.
I feel a little broken.... and buoyed at the same time.. giddy from living... yet heartbroken... i cant explain it not properly...

My angel guides tell me i am safe... and to infuse loving thoughts into the situation... to every situation... so it comes back to one word.. love.
Nothing has changed but everything is different.. i remember using these words before... except now they mean exactly what they say...,i feel like my life, this life... is not the same and it wont be again.

 I guess it a wait and see kinda thing now...embrace love,love... happiness...and  witness...

I still cant quite get past the fact that they only thought i had was shit... i said it over and over... if there ever where a time when you might pray,, or call on an angel but no i just thought shit, shit shit.....
Life is funny sometimes.... sometimes it not...

Ceyda Bee at School !!

Ceyda on her first day of school

Its seems like just yesterday she was in my belly growing, i have long forgotten the sensation the feeling of having her there but still there are moments when i look at her and am just blown away by the wonder of life. 

She is just awesome...its seem like life just skipped beats to suddenly arrive at 6 years old, wise beyond her years and daft as a brush at times she is the little girl that drives me... envelopes me in love and balances everything because my world is now hers and her world is mine. At times i think i learn more from her that she does from me. 

Love really is everything......

Canada

Finally a few pictures from our amazing two weeks in Canada with my sister and her family.

We both had a fantastic time, Ceyda has so much fun with her cousins and there were tears when we left for sure. Love you Lars and thankyou !!
#SOUL BREAK

                                              Ceyda and her cousins Jack and Max

Ceyda and Nate... Nate is doing so well, this year i will be working learning sign language. ( Ceyda too) so that next year we call all communicate freely. He will be using a combination of hearing and sign language. He is such a star !

                                                             My favourite photo !!!

Camping

                                                                         

Morning Coffee View

Lots of Fun Trips 

Catching up with Soul Friends :)

Oh Captain, Oh Captain....

Last night i woke for the second time in a row at 3am, staring out at the moon, it seemed to expansive so enveloping as though it was so close, i wanted to touch it. 

This morning when i woke later i woke to read the sad news that Robin Williams had taken his own life after a long battle with depression. My heart felt pierced and the tears flowed, and the knowledge that those that cannot find in peace in life seek it elsewhere. A hurricane of depression and sadness rages around me, its not my own... depression sleeps long hours and find solace nowhere, the realities of life can be heartbreaking, today i feel a little heartbroken. 
Rest in Peace, brilliant talented soul who brought so much light and laughter to peoples lives...the world will miss you.

Oh Captain my Captain i hope you find peace on the other side...in the arms of the angels.

Oh Captain Oh Captain the poem for the movie " Dead Poets Society" by Walt Whitman.

O Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip is done;

The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:

But O heart! heart! heart!

O the bleeding drops of red,

Where on the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! My Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;

For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

Here captain! dear father!

This arm beneath your head;

It is some dream that on the deck,

You've fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;

The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;

From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;

Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!

But I, with mournful tread,

Walk the deck my captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Summer Lovin !

The Summer is flying by... this is how its going so far

Craft Days with the gifted and lovely Sunny : )

Beach Days !

Fun with Friends !

We have been working hard to keep cool in this super hot weather... then.. out of the blue on Thursday this arrived ???  Yup thats Hail Stones in August, phew the fresh air was badly needed though : ) and along with the energies that passed " a breathe of fresh air "

and me....

* Writing from my Soul

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* Working hard to stay balanced and calm as a hurricane rages around me....

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* Releasing fears that i didn't think i had

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 * Intense energies.. the electricity of the Lionsgate portal was quite unexpected. I have never felt such intense pulsations and almost physical pain you can read more about the Liongate portal here starchildglobal and here spiritlibrary.com, it was a powerful week.

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* While searching for an email that i  had sent out on Thusday an email popped up that i had been sent by a friend (that is no longer a friend) on the same date 7/8/2013 , the synchronicity seemed strange especially as the evening before i had a read that we should expect synchronicity to re-enter our lives... reading onto the 8/8/2013 i was reminded that i was in a much different place. 

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* Finding truth in unexpected places and feeling drawn to it

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*Ending my vibrational holding pattern

Scotland Summer 2014

A few weeks ago Ceyda and i took a trip to Scotland to look after my parents we had a lovely time and spent a magical weekend on the West Coast.

Family Love 

White Sands of Mallaig 

Sunsets

We found the seaside home my father spent his summers in the little cottage has this private beach. 

Ceyda and Dougal #beachfun

Ceyda working away...

The rear side of Ben Nevis when i was 19 i climbed Ben Nevis as part of the 3 peaks challenge -- the three highest mountains in Scotland England and Wales in 24hrs... it is still the greatest challenge i have ever fulfilled and i want to redo the 3 peaks in the year of my 40th birthday for charity !

Angel Wings...

She fell asleep to the soft rhythm of her own tears, then awoke standing alone by a lake... she was heavily weighted in her shoulders, huge wings far larger than her engulfed her... and then peace... someone joined her far taller far greater, she looked only at his feet his hands... and then enormous span of his wings... she looked to the lake and saw a person in the water struggling, not drowning but struggling... as she felt the surge in her body to help, he took her hand softly gently... "no" he said..."no"...
"then you must take this weight she said "
"i will " he replied
and then the weight was gone...
"thank-you" she said and he was gone...
its was then that she swam into the lake......