Lingering

That lingering sadness is still here, i especially feel it when i wake from deep sleep in the morning, i am confused by it...i cant figure out what it is... i dont know if i am confusing one things for another or vice versa.

Dreams

Dreams
Nearly every night since the end of July as i close my eyes as i fell asleep i saw them a group of people in white robes waiting for me...
Last night for the first time i walked to them... i woke this morning tired exhausted almost pained, every part of my body hurt, i remember very clearly looking at some kind of camp beneath me surrounded by makeshift wires and stone walls.. i could see white cows lying in the fields beneath me..  and then they were close to me they were huge cows with horns, all of the colour was muted it was as though i was looking down at damaged painting... it was timeless , there was no point in history i could pinpoint...

I walked towards the camp... there were people everywhere but there were no faces for me to see ,everything was muted and then she walked towards me.. a women with long crazy almost white blond hair... she held me, i felt happy to be there but also panicked and stressed...i realized we where the same size... somehow i was looking at myself...or someone that was a reflection of myself... i felt such pain draining through me, incredible suffering and sadness. I began to hug people one after the other they were friends loves family....(each hold brought almost stabbing pain) for what felt like a very long time, then i was back to the top of the hill alone. 

I woke feeling strangely melancholy. 
I still feel it lingering but i know it will pass..i picked one Angel Card today it was fron Archangel Raziel Spiritual Understanding...

Peace.. its all ok....

This whole summer felt a bit like a stop go shop,stop go stop go...

Disconnect from material things let things go, move forward, start over... push push push...i was exhausted, purged... but i came back with the same thought at the end "its ok"
When i came back to Izmir it was so good to to be home, i was so excited and happy not to be moving, to reconnect with friends, to reconnect with myself...to start loving my home and garden again.

I quickly realized and was shown that even though i will stay things will not remain the same, i feel as though i can see and hear the earth more clearly, i am honoring my intuition in a way i never have before.

My plans are no different but everything feels different, i like it, i like that for the first time in my life i am just saying ok so be it... release me... connect with me.. love me... hate me... that's ok : ).

I admitted to myself i would have preferred goodbye coffee and hugs, i would have preferred to catch my breathe before my falls.... 
and that's ok...

Happy 5th Birthday Ceyda

The light of my life, sometimes i look at her and i am still in complete awe... we created her she came from us, she chose us...we chose her this intricate beautiful journey is our own.

There are just a million words to describe her, she can whip a frustrated anger in me that almost no one else can (Keira with love) yet  her words of love and wisdom melt my heart.

This person this bee, Ceyda is now 5 ! there is no toddler or baby left... in fact sometimes i can FEEL the hints of the teenage years that loom, but shes great and she is funny inquisitive. Sometime she says things i that i remember thinking or feeling as a child, but her conviction is so clear it seems absurd that she wouldn't be right : ) : )

We had a lovely birthday for her, i was so happy that my family were here to celebrate it with her, so happy she shared another important day with my father. It was a day of magic for her, the kind that memories make.

Bitez 2013 Holiday

Me and my Girl

I love this Pic !!

Ceyda and her best friend Luka 

Boat Trip

Dad wearing my hat : )

Finally in the pool, it took dad all week to get the confidence to go in

Summer Time...& Julia

We just came back from a lovely family holiday In Bodrum, Mum Dad and my sister and her b oyfriend joined us : ) we all had a lovely time even my dad seemed relaxed. Will include pics in the next post : )

We also celebrated Ceydas 5th birthday there on the 21st July,  but i will leave that for the next post too, its been a while since i dedicated a post to the little bee, that tells me she came from the solar system and that she knew her friend Luka before she was born here.I know it in part comes from a very natural inquisitiveness about the universes and solar system but there are time she says things so firmly that it makes you stop to think how beautiful her world is.

and me i am settled and so happy to be back in Izmir.
I am having very unusual dreams at the moment.. last night i dreamt i was held hostage in a building with many other people i didn't recognize..and a few days before that i dreamt of my friend Julia from when i was 18, the only friend i had that died. A fun friend with a huge heart but a recklessness about her life, she died overdosing on Ecstasy .I still remember that night clearly i remember feeling worried for her as she was seemed extra reckless that night, i asked her to come home with me but instead she went home with other friends, i still remember her turning, her blond hair loosely tied in high ponytail and waving to say goodbye. It was last time i saw her. I didn't visit her at the hospital while she was on life support, the Isla then didn't do that, i didn't do emotion very well..i didn't go to her funeral either, i visited her grave once to say goodbye before i went to london and never returned. It was in London that i grieved for her and saw her everywhere coffee shops, cafes walking ahead of me in the street.
After time i stopped seeing her.. until a few nights ago in the dream and when i woke yesterday morning i felt a huge sadness wash over me and then peace. Goodbyes are really hard for me always no matter what kind of goodbye it is but peace it always comes.

Roundabouts

Turnabouts and Roundabouts....i don't think i can write about everything that is going on.. in some ways the words, they perhaps they don't yet feel my own .. i feel as though surprises, unexpected/ beautiful/ powerful/ and sad , some feel good some feel as though they don't fit, well not yet anyway.

My heart, my soul, my guides tell me to sit tight, be my own truth, enjoy the beauty and feel the pain.

So where have i been since i last wrote, here i have been very much here very present, and so we are in a turnaround, a roundabout so to say.. something positive is happening that will release us from defaulting on the loan on our home. People stepped up took responsibility, it was unexpected, unseen and good, so i am only looking forwards no longer thinking of the "what ifs" and the "maybes" because something changed, the result cannot be the same even if it ends up being the same as the intention has changed even if the roundabout takes us to the same turn off. We as a group have taken ownership over our faults our mistakes and stood head on. This is what i wanted.
So for now we will stay here in Izmir.