No words.. ?

I honestly cant figure out why i cant find the words to blog, i think of things to blog about then they dissappear...right now its as though i have literally learned to switch off my thoughts perhaps learned is the wrong word ? 

After the full Moon of this month a quietness has settled in me. 

Ceyda is now at "school" 5 days a week and loving it.. her turkish has come on leaps and bounds and now she has started German classes which she has taken quite a shine too... i still miss her alot but realise that if i kept her home or brought her home early it is for me not her. The way it stands we have 3 hrs quality hrs together before dinner and bedtime and they are spent well.. baking doing crafts all fun and easy. Also if figure as we are travelling back and forth alot from Scotland she gets a 3 week break every 2 months... and then she is all mine. 

and me i realised yesterday that i havent read a book in 5 months ( i started a few but..) ... i havent used my Nikon camera either, oh and my poor garden... and what am i loving my new bedroom : ) when i returned from my last trip to Scotland K had a lovely suprise a newly decorated bedroom...so pretty ( it was  white box with a bed before and a 10 year old falling apart wardrobe.) The partition wall seperates a walk in style wardrobe. I love the brick work the room feels so warm...its so lovely i go to bed much earlier now. 

The picture doesnt do it justice...

We have the huge expanse of wall as you go up our staircase (a space saved should we ever extend into the attic). Last weekend we finally found this beautiful canvas horse picture. 

Pictures

Ceyda Sleeping in my arms at the Airport on the way  to Scotland

Happy With Grampa 

Lovely Lunch 

So pretty 

Cute Auntie 

Father and Daughter 

Full Moon Breathtaking...Taurus

Tonights Full Moon.... so beautiful i felt literally as though i was bathing in the light. 

earthsky

Catch up

I feel like i havent written in a long time but it really hasnt been that long just a week or so. Time to take a breather, regroup, find my voice , my words. I have been finding it harder to blog and i kept trying to work out why.. i have started using my blog the same way i used to use diaries as a teenager to voice things that are to painful to say outloud or talk about with people. I guess that makes my blog quite unfun to read these days. I also realised how important a sense of being part of something is to me even with blogging and there are so many different groups i am not sure where i fit into it all.
Either way i am slowly getting my Mojo back and i have alot of lovely things to catch up with so tomorrow i will post an update in pictures.
xx

Vunerable

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vunerable let alone feel vunerable.Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vunerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not thier fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in thier own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didnt) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vunerablilty to me or my sisters showing his fears to us. 

Anger & Tears

The world almost everyone around me feels angry right now..anger is directed at any target.. even i have felt abnormally irrationa maybe angry.. take a few emails accusations and angry words utter disppointment and then 3 hrs crying in a locked bathroom , i dont think i have ever cried so long  and hard my face and eyes are burning from tears, i know longer know why or who i am crying for. Its like a giant curtain of grief just fell on me..... 




and then the death of a stranger.

All that i want...( angry pants) Rank

Yes i have a wee bee in bonnet and i have found a great way to zone out of it i am sure that you all know this song.. its been going on in my head for so long now. The past few weeks since Ceyda started Kindergarten family members, neighbours.. the list goese on this is what they say. "You should be pregnant by now" "Now you can get pregnant again" "Ceyda must have a brother" "When will you have another child" Why is there no baby yet" " are you pregnant ? " Do you now want another child ? I feel my anger rising a pefect example of this would be testing my stress level on my iphone normally it is 1% or 2% ( i am stressed but i manage it well i exercise, mediatate... sit on the balcony with coffees at 7am... lie on the grass to let the negativity seep out of me) On our regular Sunday breakfast i tested 36%.. hmmm i also coincidentally click on this song on Ace of Base ALL THAT SHE WANTS while trying to find songs for Ceyda now everytime a person mentions the word Bebek or Hamıile baby and pregnant in turkish it pops into my head and i suddenly feel this calm wash over me.. an inner smile as i visualise an Ali McBeal style ass whiping to questioner. All that i want is another baby.. thump thump.. ok so its not very Zen but it makes the moment sting alot less and it makes me smile and walk away without feeling that sickening anger towards someone who doesnt understand... The truth is i have wanted every baby we have lost before and after her birth, after 3 years of trying i am sick of the asking and people not listening it hurts me to be asked accusingly why i dont have another child or are we working hard enough.!!!!!