Hossy Horsey

I recently posted on the blog of another mother about how when Ceyda was born i was intensely lonely...today i realised that i still feel that all consuming sense of loneliness at times. Its hard for me to admit. 

Today wasnt lonely it was an unexpected trip into the antitheisis of loneliness. After an early check in with the Doctor, Ceyda and i returned to Buca and headed to our local horse stables. By the time we arrived it was lunchtime, we visit often but usually early mornings.. when the stables are full of silence and the gently sounds of the horses.. 

Horses i realise are a a huge gaping hole in my life, they were such a huge part of my childhood, they defined me for so long that when i am around them i almost feel as though i am grieving. My chest tightens and i feel a longing to touch them connect to them and hear them. 

They help create this vast family that was to be called "pony club" its amazing how the shared adoration of this animal created a sense of belonging that i have never been able to recreate.

I still ride occassionally and dream of the day when we have the land and i have time to ride again...

Today i was pulled back into that sense of belonging, arriving late at the stables Ceyda and i chatted with grooms, riders, owners and teachers... As a mother my heart jumped when a large grey mare popped her head over the fence and leaned down to give Ceyda a nuzzle...gently wobbling her lips around Ceydas hands, as a horse lover i saw that my daughter has that same fearless love of horses.

We were invited indoors to watch trainers and horses in the indoor arena and i was joined by a young rider whose father is Scottish... It was a shock to hear the Glasgow accent but instantly felt at home. We chatted a long time about a subject i rarely discuss... Ceyda danced aroung playing with horse shoes and the stable cats. 

We stayed an hour,i could have stayed all day...

I have been invited to ride her horse anytime..an invitation that i cant take now but i know in my heart the first chance i can i will... because i need this..i need it because horses are a huge part of who i am and i miss them...