Morning

Its very early, Ceyda tumbled out of her bed at 5.30am and we are both subsequently wide awake. 

Ceyda is watching the last 20mins of Tinkerbell. (she has been watching it in parts since the start of the week) and i am sitting at the kitchen table reading the news and blogging away. 

The week is calmly coming to a close and i feel more at home with myself. 

A friend mailed me after reading my blog post about being lonely and was concerned and i tried to explain to her that i didn't write that i am lonely to create concern but to be more true to myself. By writing it, by creating a witness to my feelings i am embracing it, owning it and trying to understand it and in turn become more comfortable with it. I was able to see the reason behind the loneliness far more clearly than allowing the feeling to continue to rumble around my head. That's the strange things about loneliness though, sometimes when you accept it..it slinks away into the shadows. I found this article about Loneliness in Spirituality Today, in the article the writer discusses loneliness as a human condition and as a fear. A fear of being alone. The article article allowed me to see that i fear loneliness perhaps more than the loneliness itself so if i choose not to fear it , to embrace it perhaps it will lead me somewhere....

I also listened to a Eckhart Tolle video on Loneliness. I love to hear him speak his voice is so calming. 

Solitude...

On Thursday a mummy friend offered to have Ceyda at her home for a play date, the idea was for me to drop her off and have a couple of hours to myself... something that very very rarely happens. Living abroad means that all of my family are miles away and my husbands family mostly live in Istanbul so for the most part it is Ceyda and i and daddy when work finishes. Which i have no real complaints about but recently i have felt the increasing need for solitude. It might seem strange that i would admit loneliness but crave solitude but in essence i think they are very different perhaps because this is how we have been conditioned to view them. Loneliness is thought  to be a negative emotion, it can become all consuming and painful, yet solitude is the happy sister. Solitude brings time to nurture the soul..and spend time with yourself in a positive way. In solitude i read, meditate, try to to Yoga (very unsuccessfully may i add) i relax have hot baths, ponder and feel awakened. In loneliness i felt/feel lost. 

The morning was magical although a little nerve wracking for me. My daughters friends mother is a kindergarten teacher and i reasoned with myself that she would be more than capable of taking excellent care of Ceyda. (did i mention that i am a helicopter mum?) Ceyda was completely unfussed only blowing a kiss from their playroom and shouting "bye mummy later" . 

It took a while to feel relaxed without her but once i did it was so nice to walk around to clothes shop, have a coffee, read a trashy magazine and be at home with myself. Solitude. 

Ceyda also had a wonderful time she told me animatedly on our bus journey home how much she likes Emma and how much fun they had. I felt refreshed, or rather i feel refreshed and she missed me...and i her infact i ached for her.