why ?????

Sometimes in life the hardest part is trying to understand the why... even when you look at every cycle and spiritual planetary explanation the whys they stick sometimes , they leave us open and vulnerable.
Its beyond and intense time for clearing cleansing... solar flares... energy uploads and downloads....

Its almost weird to think that today i could be gone, i could actually not be here.... how much life changes in seconds... how much everything can change..in just one moment...
Last Thursday at home alone i choked on a piece of cheese on toast..yes toast... of all bloody things...the toast hadn't toasted properly, the bread was soft with melted cheese....i want to think it sounds funny... i have laughed when others laugh but they also read my fear.. and stop and go quiet...

The truth is that i was ALONE completely alone and as the panic began to rise...and i frantically
beat my own ribs and threw myself at furniture... this is what you do, so desperate for air... so desperate for life..the panic surged to the point where after some seconds. my brain registered it was in real trouble... i guess they call this flight or fight...and i fought....i only remember thinking shit shit shit....
In the end i pretty much rammed my own hand down my throat.... collapsing on the bathroom floor... gasping for air... sweating exhausted... when i stood i saw my reflection in the mirror, my face was so red... my lips were tinged with blue...i couldn't move, i steadied myself holding the basin... looking sucking in air..my eyes filled with tears..i began shaking... and then i cried... and cried and cried....

I called K some time later still crying. i still feel shocked... like something tore me out of my own skin...

I am so happy to be here, to live in this life, to have the connections that i have .... but i feel like someone just gave me the paddles ... and that there is a message that i am waiting to hear....
Did i clear some misplaced Karma...am i still me... because u feel different... displaced... maybe that just the shock... there's no physical evidence just a terrible sore throat...( it remains even with salt water washes... ) I feel like  am watching my own life on a slow reel...
I am the only witness...
I would have been alone... but alone part, that's not what has stayed with me, that was almost ok..i have mastered the alone.... its the fact that the line between here and there is so thin... its almost transparent...
Its the why ?
I cant really think about the other side.. the part where i fail in my fight..its not that i don't want to think about it its just that i cant...

But then its the same why... why do babies die... why is the world so masterfully cruel yet beautiful at the same time...why did a dear friend find out today that her child is dying , while another s sister is birthing her son to the world even though he will never take a breath.
I feel a little broken.... and buoyed at the same time.. giddy from living... yet heartbroken... i cant explain it not properly...

My angel guides tell me i am safe... and to infuse loving thoughts into the situation... to every situation... so it comes back to one word.. love.
Nothing has changed but everything is different.. i remember using these words before... except now they mean exactly what they say...,i feel like my life, this life... is not the same and it wont be again.

 I guess it a wait and see kinda thing now...embrace love,love... happiness...and  witness...

I still cant quite get past the fact that they only thought i had was shit... i said it over and over... if there ever where a time when you might pray,, or call on an angel but no i just thought shit, shit shit.....
Life is funny sometimes.... sometimes it not...