Falling...

I feel safe writing here, its cathartic and cleansing and i cant seem to get the visitors part of the blogger profile working so as far as i can tell i have maybe one reader.:)
This past week has been so unbelievably strange.All the panic... about feeling as though i have very few people to turn to, to call when the sky starts falling.

These past years there have been so much so much, i think that i clung all the time to the same thing... dreams of the future, the plans of what we would do once we sell the house we live in and own.
I came to term with financial losses that the company we lost incurred, when i say we i mean my fathers company's losses as they were are backers.I felt as though i was nearly at the end... ready to move forward.

My husband over the past week has slowly fallen... i watched as he became silent.. i listened as woke multiple times throughout the night.. smoking more..drinking himself to sleep and then It came.
"I am so sorry but i think we might loose the house"
and so a company loan that we co signed for more than 2 years ago is defaulting.We are no longer shareholders but a tiny line in the contract that we co signed has us as personal guarantors..I have already cried in anger at myself, i often sit alone with my tears..but it makes no difference, it is what is its. It makes no difference that our home had nothing to to with our business.  Blame it makes no difference either or anger or even tears. This happens to good people every day we just became one of those people. We made mistakes.

I am numb but i take responsibility, i am trying to hold my head up whilst i know that my husband has the classic signs of a nervous breakdown. I will wait for the next 2 days of lawyers meetings and gently persuade him to visit a doctor with me. I will even ask his now retired cousin to come as stay with us for a while.
I am asking my angels for help... for support for love, i am calming my soul whenever i can.

At times i feel as though i have never felt so alone, yet when i sit outside sitting in the darkness i don't feel alone. On Monday late late night i saw a meteorite, i sat all night waiting alone in the dark i knew it would come and it did.
To lighter and brighter days.....