Bunky Bee & Worthiness

He she is my little princess my bunky bee, bunky appeared just as we were about to get on a flight to the UK when asked her name she replied cheekily "bunky ". So i added bee and "bunky bee" it is. 

This is her in my Zara dress restyled buy her. 

There is really nothing more amazing, more beautiful and at times more stressful than watching your child grow up. She is well settled in school and excited to go everyday she is extremely cautious of dangers now, the total opposite of when she was a baby/toddler. Her teacher tells me, it is always her that points out a child swinging from a chair or putting a plastic bag over their head. (this episode prompted a note to parents about plastic bags being brought to school )lol. 

There has been the ongoing eating issue of the past few weeks, she has grown a couple of cm and, up until a few days  ago was eating as though she is a small bird and not a four and a half year old. 

Once her weight had dropped by 1kg i was really starting to worry but after extensive searching i discovered that its common especially after illness... ( i even found a mum whose four year old son ate chicken nuggets and pees only for 6 months) and the less of a deal we make the better. So after a week or threatening

 (K) bribing (me) we just allowed to her to leave the table... go to school etc, having only had a bite or in some cases nothing at all. We just let it go, rule being as always, that if the meal is not eaten then there is no dessert. 

Her school did the same and kept a close eye on her, i bought a seven seas multi vitamin syrup and hung on. It was going well, she was indeed only nibbling but it was a start... until we went to visit the Turkish family last Sunday. The exclamations of how thin she looked and ill were really over the top and very annoying. 

For breakfast she only ate one tomato and my husbands aunt asked me quite aggressively (while he was outside smoking) "What i was going to do about it"  that was after she had given her a bar of soft cream wafer chocolate.

I had to really stop myself from saying more than "nothing" nothing at all" "when she wants to eat she will but giving her chocolate will only suppress her appetite" 

What i wanted to say and i think i said it to myself in an Ally Mcbeal Style mind monologue (remember those ?) 

"Oh i plan on holding her down and force feeding her, i plan on filling her with junk instead of real food so that she is nice and plump and unhealthy" 

and then i let it go just as quickly.....we left very early that day after only staying a couple of hours, K had missed the drama (thank goodness) but said on the way home his aunt had changed back to her old self since receiving a pace maker.

He was actually right, a few years ago she was, in my eyes a quite mean gossipy woman with a broken soul after loosing her son when he was in his late teens. She routinely treated her only daughter terribly and berated her husband constantly.She was loud and demanding and very bossy, then she had a heart attack and a successful heart bypass that left her with heart problems. She became more open, she had much greater depth, spoke more softly, she told me her dreams and her fears. She was humble and kinder she even stopped talking about her illnesses. Then last year she was given a pacemaker, so she is back happy and healthy but the closeness i had developed with her is gone, she is the same person of course but i miss her....

It made me think allot about dimensions or levels of ours lives, i mean if we are continually working towards something (i don't believe it is an up or down ) then it is only natural that we have to go sideways sometimes to heal old Karma or learn something. I myself even did this this past week. I hope she starts working towards something again , it will certainly make Sunday breakfasts a lot more pleasurable. 

And Ceyda, on Thursday afternoon at 3pm at school, after not eating all day she told her teacher she was hungry, alarmed they ordered her her favorite Lentil soup and bread and the spell was broken. Friday she asked for a boiled egg and toast no crust as though there had been no 4 week window of none at all. K and i sat looking at each other as she demolished the lot. Oh the joy.That day she returned and asked for Hot Dog as it was Friday treat day .. 2 hot dogs later, a bowl of strawberries and a banana.. i was floored and that the way its been the last 2 days, in fact the volume of food she has eaten is probably enough for a whole week. YEEE HAAAA !!! 

And me, my sideways blip... well there has been the Equinox, and i am feeling a new sense of  loneliness, the kind you get when your life is in massive transition and it feels like everyone you know is ready to move forward or already has... with or without you.

Friends pre Ceyda were never integral to my life, in fact i have gone long periods of time with no friends. When i am truest to myself i am an introvert, i struggle with large groups, I take a long time to connect with people... i can be socially awkward.. yet .i am always the girl, that on the outside appears as though she has many friends. I know because its me that created that persona.

I met some really really fantastic friends though, over the past few years, some like S and S, funny i just realized they both have names that start with the same letter : ). I still truly miss. Expats move. 

When Ceyda was born other great friendships were developed, playgroups were joined i threw myself into social groups, threw parties and became friends with allot of women. We went for dinners, had play dates, gave each other advice supported each other but them the emails slowly stop and the meetings ended. Life starts to get in the way and planned coffee dates are put off and off...and work begins...relationships remain in tack via facebook likes, and cute comments. 

Ceyda got older, and life is changing for me and on Friday for the first time i accepted it. 

(perhaps by going sideways) 

By allowing myself to feel alone, to feel vulnerable and to admit how tough i am really finding it. 

How hard it is to wade through the quagmire of my life, don't get me wrong i get it, i have to do this one alone but sometimes i wonder what i will do when my father is no longer here. Or when mother snaps. 

Who will i call. I am not even a phone person. Where will i be. Our relationship is shattered my father and mine, its sadly not possible to fix on the outside , its something that cannot be fixed... my fathers last memories of me were of him feeling full of disappointment in me. The injury to his brain doesn't allow for the creation of "new", so when i visit i am more often than not reminded of this.

Even if i convince myself that it will not....even if i choose for it not to... will i wake up one day and feel crushed by this and will that be ok ? 

Is that being true to myself or allowing my Ego to take over.

The quagmire is in my head and its called worthiness, and so i will hang on a little tighter, hang out with my elderly dog having coffees on the balcony when i am supposed to be working, because for some reason i feel like i cant breath.

I will ask those that i can for help in the only way i can and understand when it does not come. I will.