Today is the 9th Dec and its 6 years since we lost Alex. I actually dont feel like we lost him except that there is no other word that seems correct to use.
His name was chosen when we knew it was a boy but we only started calling him Alex a couple of years ago before that we didnt really speak about him or what happened. Yesterday when i reminded my husband of the date today he said "our Alex" as though it was the most natural thing in the world. It feels good to be in a place of healing but so good to see that my husband is there too.
It is nice now to honour him, remember his soul and its very brief journey in the world, he was never born but will always be remembered. Every year i light a candle for him..the more spiritual and connected i have become with the world the more at ease i have become.
This is the poem i wrote a few days before our 14 week scan at this point the doctor expected that we would loose him.
Things improved and we were told there were no more worries that he was looking healthy and i was told to go and enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. I still remember my doctors genuine look of suprise some time later as Koray carried me into the ER in a blanket in his arms.
I love you now as a flower grows
I hope for you with every breathe i breathe.
My love entangled with your journey
I hold you as gently as sand in my hand,
I let you go as softly as a feather in the wind
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