Vunerable

In the past i have found it so hard to allow myself to be vunerable let alone feel vunerable.Its one of the those words that i associate with weakness,I think thats why my voice seems so much louder when i write than when i speak (or dont talk to people in my case). Yesterday Ceyda and i went to the playgroup Halloween party she had so much fun, me i was exhausted...i felt vunerable i as was aware of certain things that had been said about me behind my back (things that i would normally write off as not my problem), i felt exhausted as every person there asked me how my father was. Its not thier fault its mine, really it is and its not even a fault... i ran the playgroup maintained email friendships with all of these women many of them shared with me issues they had in thier own lives through emails or coffee chats, in asking me how i am i know they are only offering support and kindness (for the most part) but after the 10th person has asked and i have replied hes doing great thanks..i wanted to sit in a corner away from everyone and tell a dear friend ( but i didnt) that i found my dear dad in the garden one day when i was home he was alone, confused and crying...sobbing ,a 58 year old man a man who had never ever shown any sign of vunerablilty to me or my sisters showing his fears to us.