I have a cycle that i follow when i feel as though i am struggling.. i close my doors. I send brief emails to friends but wont call them or answer any calls... I have done this with miscarriages ,ended friendships family fights intense disappointments i have had friends point our this apparent flaw ( i am not sure it is i think it is merely my way or coping and processing or maybe not ? ) Apart from one phonecall to a person that i know would only ask the right questions i didnt meet with or talk to any other people than my daughter husband and family (at the time in Canada) for more 10 days on the 11th i met with lovely friends but for the first time i cannot break the cycle as the struggle is ongoing... I find myself talking though as i am not really there...i am covering over alot and feel the surges or emotions building like a collosal tide.What am i so afraid of ? being vunerable ? I love to take care of others so why why do i literally not allow others to do it for me. I told a friend on the phone on Friday sorry for the lack of contact as i was a mess before her answer was simply isnt that when you are supposed to call hun ?
I am gently pushing the door open....i have this feeling that when the tide hits whether it be tomorrow or 2 years from now i cannot do this alone.
You don't have to honey...
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this very well, opening up the heart isn't easy for people like us who like to be in control, yet, it's time to love AND to be loved, to give AND to receive, to help AND to be helped...we need to learn to open our hearts and create a balance. We don't like to be seen as weak but it's time to let go control and just allow our emotions and feelings to flow...
Lots of love...
J.
I do relate to you! I am the same. In fact most of my life I've been pretty good at hiding my pain or sorrow. Asking help, for me, meant that I couldn't solve my own problems, and my pride got in the way. I'm still not good at reaching out, but I finally did learn the hard way that I need people to help me get out of my own head sometimes. I have two confidants that I trusted implicitly with my feelings. That is all I have right now. I am finally getting to a point where I know I want more :). Much love to you as you find peace and trust :).
ReplyDeleteThankyou : ) really everything i read at the moment is like light and a cloak of comfort..i am finding things again the answers are beginning to flow and the intensity of the past few weeks is slowing..
ReplyDeletexxx